Home is where you hang your heart, not only your hat. When Phil died, the four walls of my home became both a refuge and a prison. I hated going out; I hated staying in. The outside world was too bright. I felt blinded by other people’s lightness, innocent happiness, and especially by their apparent disregard for the fact that the world had…
widowed suddenly
Recap
The past week has been a roller coaster. Charlie was laid to rest and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. It was also during that time that I was moved by my friends’ kindness. I was lucky and blessed to have some of my dearest and best friends there…friends that weren’t like the friends that were around when Michael died….these are…
guilt and acceptance
First posted 7 months post-widowhood on personal blog I have worried since Jeff’s death that he didn’t know how much I loved him. The stupid things I did and the things I took for granted have weighed so heavily on my mind. I have felt terribly and guilty for the things that I complained about and the issues I thought were important. Since Jeff’s…
a song.
someone reminded me of this song last week. i heard it once back in 2008 (the year my life took me in this direction) and couldn’t listen to it again.until last week. now it’s a comfort. i’m not a songwriter. but. if i could write a song, i would write a song just like this:…
A Day That Will Live ….
(I wrote this post on my blog Saturday night/Sunday morning. Saturday, the 28th, would have been our 28th wedding anniversary.) ….in infamy. Or at least in history. Our history. Son #2 graduated tonight. He did it. In spite of …. so much. He. Did. It. On this day. This once very happy day.This day that used to stand for love, commitment,…
My Other Ring
About four months after Phil’s death, I returned to my nail salon for the first time since being widowed. As I sat in the chair trying to keep it together while idle chatter swirled around me, my manicurist looked up and asked if I was going to take off my rings. Absently I handed them to her (my engagement ring, my wedding ring, and Phil’s wedding…
if you were here
There are times that I torture/comfort myself thinking of all the things I would say or do if Jeff “came back”….or was at very least able to hear me. It’s a little game that hurts and heals simultaneously:If you were here, I’d slap you for not going to the doctor sooner. If you were here, I would curl up safe and warm in your arms. If you were…
in response to the old man in maryland.
the early worries, physical in nature, disappeared long ago. it’s impossible to know that she was born 7 weeks early, but now it’s the emotional that i most worry about. honesty is the route i’ve chosen with her, no stories, just facts, which (i believe) will be helpful later, but it doesn’t make now very easy. a few weeks ago…
On the Humor of Our Grieving …
…. and a paragraph about a dream. This is a post I wrote back in March of 2008, three months after Jim died. The kids and I traveled to Oklahoma, where Jim was born and where we both grew up. Well, he grew up in one part of Oklahoma, I grew up in another. Anyway, we went to the farm where Jim was raised for a very solemn purpose. We were…
Parenthesis, year 4
***If you’re reading this, it is officially May 21st, 2011. The four year angel-versary of my love. I’m writing this a week in advance, and hopefully have succeeded in doing my fourth skydive jump on the 20th (If I don’t blog next week, I’ll tell all your loves “hello” ;D ). This has become an annual event for the military widows of our…
expectations
As humans, it seems that we all expect to have more than we do. More possessions. More time. More love. More help. I don’t know if it’s just my human-ness that makes this desire for more so prevalent…or if the fact that I am a widow makes this expectation almost obsessive.I have quite happy having few possessions, however (or at least I think I…
last monday, in a bookstore.
on monday i came face-to-face with a teenage madeline, and madeline at age 38. two different people, different from the madeline i’m raising right now. but the same. they were still living with what madeline will be living with the rest of her life. … teenage madeline stood across the table from me, holding a copy of the thing i…