Written one month after Jeff died in 2008… I overheard Olivia wishing on a fallen eyelash yesterday, “I wish my Daddy would come back.” I tried to get her to ‘tell’ me the wish so I could talk about it with her…the fact that he is never coming back. But she insisted that if she told me, then her wish wouldn’t come true.I so wish he would come…
widowed suddenly
we’re doing something right.
i got an email from an old friend the other day… at the end she mentioned that she attached a photo that she’d found while cleaning her house.it was a photo of liz and me in college. (i would attach it here, but it’s a pretty awful photo of me). i showed the photo to maddy. “who’s that guy with mommy?” i was blown away. yes, it’s true…
I Had a Nightmare ….
…. last night that Jim came back. I know. A nightmare? It should have been a dream. A wonderful dream. But it wasn’t. He just walked in to our house one day. Three and a half years after his “death” …. he just walked in. In this dream he had been in the Service and I had evidently been notified that he had been killed. I guess they never…
Cherish your friends
I wanted to take some time to just talk about my friends. These past few months have been some of the most changing and challenging months since Michael was first killed. The difference though, is I now have an unwavering support system.Michael always urged me to go out and make good girlfriends, but with my best friend being him, I never clicked…
Let it strengthen you
I have read a variety of quotes with a similar message. I think anyone who has dealt with trauma, loss or tragedy has come face-to-face with this choice. I also think that, at times, we have all chosen each one of the three options. I just hope that as we all get further from the moment that provoked this epiphany, we manage to choose to let this…
“What-Ifs ….
…. get us nowhere.” I’ll type it again. “What ifs get us nowhere.” That’s a direct quote. From my sixteen year old son.He texted that to me the other night, minutes after we’d had a heated exchange of words. He had said some things that I thought were beyond disrespectful. And I told him so. I also told that him that he would never, ever have…
Our Office
The past few weeks have been good. I’ve been getting our AWP offices ready and love all that that consists of. I’m in love with the space. I’m in love with the area. And I’m in love with the feelings and emotions that have come from making this step in life.I feel, more than ever, back in touch with me. The me Michael loves. The me I love. Memories…
i need more dreams
Written 6 months after Jeff’s death… A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was standing on a bridge looking toward the sea where a fishing boat was coming. I started calling out to it. I was calling Jeff’s name. As it came closer, I could see Jeff standing on the bow waving to me. He jumped off the boat as it was about to go under the bridge and…
There is a Huge Difference …..
…. between a battle and a war. Huge. But unfortunately, when you’re in a war …. there are many, many battles to fight. I am not sure what your beliefs are ….. I don’t think our differing beliefs will matter as I write this. At least I hope they won’t. I write to speak out …. to share my guts with you. All of you. And we all “get IT”…
a choice
I spend a lot of time loathing what has “become” of my life. Ruminating over the “before” and “after”. Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff’s death and all the repercussions from his…
Have I Told you Lately
Tonight’s just a night that I want to share how grateful I am for the eternal gift that keeps on giving. The one that allows me to be more than my loss and suffering and the ability to rise above and fulfill all my hopes and dreams. The gift that quietly nudges me out of the dark into a bright future. The gift that answers my heart’s questions and…
after.
it’s pure joy to see maddy with her auntie (liz’s sister), the two of them, as close as they would have been if… well, you know. …sometimes it’s the after that defines things, and after everything that’s happened, i’m happy that this she is such a big part of our after.