I spend a lot of time loathing what has “become” of my life. Ruminating over the “before” and “after”. Taking stock of the injustice of losing my beloved so early in my life. Wishing life now was different.

But when I imagine having a life that was so dramatically different and without the pain of Jeff’s death and all the repercussions from his premature expiration date, I realize that I have erased him and all the good things as well. No memories of dancing slowly to Van Morrison in the wheel house of his boat to remember. No birth of our children to hold dear. No ripples of laughter shared when telling the stories of our life together.

And although it is and has been hard and painful, I realize that I would do it again. If I had the choice to go back knowing how soon it would all be over, I would still go back. I would relive every special, annoying, sweet, loving and funny moment if only I could spend it again….with full knowledge that he would be gone too soon.

I would choose him….and this life over and over again…..