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Jackie Hannam-Chandler

Perspective Driven Purging

Posted on: February 23, 2012 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

When we moved two years after Jeff died, I was forced to go through many of his things. At first, it truly saddened me. I stared at the mass of accumulated items that he had kept for sentimental reasons….sometimes I scratched my head. Sometimes I cried. Often times, I was furious. Why the hell did he keep this collection of bottle caps and an…

Categories: Widowed

Trying

Posted on: February 16, 2012 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I am going to start by apologizing that my post for today is so late. I’ll admit that I am frazzled and busy. I can also tell you that I tried to post last night but after an unexplained computer shut-down, I was sceptical that my article had posted. So at 5 AM, I checked. No post. No post and I had to get up to get the kids ready for school and…

Categories: Widowed

Crocodiles and other absurdities

Posted on: February 9, 2012 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I live in our little house physically alone aside from my two young children and our pets. All the belongings in this home are ours and paint a vivid and accurate picture of who is housed within these walls. But if you were to dig deep enough within cupboards and closets, you would items and articles that seemed at odds with these inhabitants and…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting

why Christmas concerts suck

Posted on: December 15, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I have been working really hard at being upbeat and positive this Christmas. I consciously remind myself of the wonderful things in my life – amazing kids, great friends, a rewarding job, an amazing community, etc. I don’t want to whine. I certainly don’t wish to have others internally groan and roll their eyes if I talk about how lame the holidays…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

All I Want for Christmas

Posted on: December 8, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

Anyone who reads this knows what each and every one of us would like for Christmas if we could have whatever we wanted….We also know that’s an impossibility. We could sit and count every moment that we are missing our love. Every scenario that lacks our spouse. Every tradition that falls flat without their presence. Or we can try to find the glow…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Suddenly

the unhelpful helper

Posted on: December 1, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

When I first became a widow, I wanted everyone to go away. I did not want to talk, discuss, be comforted, or hear anyone. I found everything overwhelming and the need to communicate with others verbally was not at all on the list of desired actions. I was annoyed by the needs of others. Their want to know I was okay or that the kids were…

Categories: Newly Widowed, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

a blessing for all things

Posted on: November 24, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.  — Henry Ward Beecher I have found that at times, I am a whiny, ungrateful little sap. I moan at life’s injustice and cry out at the lot I have been given. I beat my fists against fate and want to scream when I hear “It happened…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Suddenly

a better widow than me

Posted on: November 17, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

Last night, I finally threw Jeff’s toothbrush in the trash. 3 years, 7 months and 22 days, since he used it to scrub his teeth clean. This action was precipitated a few days ago when I had spoken to a dear friend who is known for being outspoken and blunt. She doesn’t mean harm at all but is very Northern European in the delivery of her very strong…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Suddenly

i dream of you

Posted on: November 12, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I’ve had many dreams of Jeff since his death. There are a few that are terrifying renditions of the last few minutes of his life; but the vast majority centre on seeing him again in a variety of surprising locations. I’ve found him on dairy farms slogging through the mud. I have glimpsed him on boats passing bridges that I stand upon. I have found…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Signs from Loved One, Widowed by Illness, Miscellaneous

In my closet

Posted on: November 4, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I wore Jeff’s work coat the other night – Halloween night. It was the first time I have worn it in the three years since he died. I haven’t wanted it to lose any of his smell, cells or presence by donning it myself. But with it on, I felt warm, cuddled and protected from the cold Autumn wind biting at me as I followed the kids down a variety of…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Suddenly

old shoes and wooden spatulas

Posted on: September 30, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

I’ve been sorting through our cupboards and closets and purging the least needed/most outgrown items lately in anticipation of living mostly indoors again after a summer in the backyard and beach. I have found mismatched gumboots, lost flashlights, a dried up snail and the odd coin. Most surprisingly, I have unearthed copious amounts of Jeff’s…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Suddenly

first

Posted on: September 16, 2011 | Posted by: Jackie Hannam-Chandler

We made it. Through all the firsts. The firsts without Jeff at birthday parties, Christmas morning, through illnesses and accomplishments. His absence has been an aching void….almost a presence in itself. But time has continued its’ slithery journey. I look back over the time without my love and see that 365 days have gone by and no time at all…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Suddenly

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