Written 6 months after Jeff’s death…

A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was standing on a bridge looking toward the sea where a fishing boat was coming. I started calling out to it. I was calling Jeff’s name. As it came closer, I could see Jeff standing on the bow waving to me. He jumped off the boat as it was about to go under the bridge and swam to me on the shore. He was laughing. He held me so close and I cried as he had me in his arms. I felt safe. I felt comfort. I felt protected. Most of all, I felt Jeff’s love. I didn’t want the dream to end. I was disappointed to wake and find that my life is what it now is. I need another one of those dreams. I need Jeff.

I am so lonely and lost. There are only two times in your life when you will be comforted through the night when things are hard and scary. As a child, you have your parents to murmur in your ear through the nightmares. As you grow up, you must learn to comfort yourself. Then you find the person who changes your life. You wake from scary dreams or can’t sleep with worry and you can turn to the person who loves you most and be comforted. I would do anything to feel Jeff’s giant arm draped over my hip in the night and feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. To have him whisper in the darkness, “It’s okay. I’m here, Snuggles.” and pull me closer.

Instead, I wake to two little ones who look to me for assurance wrapped over me. I disentangle myself and wander through the dark house to find….nothing but more darkness. It washes over me and I want to scream. I feel like passing out or throwing up. I lay on the floor or sit with my head between my knees so that if I do faint I won’t wake the kids with the thud of my body hitting the floor. No one would know. No one would come. No one could take away this pain. No one but Jeff. I want him back. I want him. I need him. I am so very lost.

Would it be weird to ask a friend to sleep in my bed with me? Just to be there when I wake. To reassure me that one day it will be okay? To hold my hand when it gets too much?

I just want some comfort. Some peace. Some sleep. And maybe if I sleep, Jeff will meet me on the other side and laugh while I cry in his arms.