In the wake of Suzanne dying, I struggled to find true peace. How did others do it, I wondered? Some turn to “god”, religion, etc. Others turn to self-medicating (drugs, alcohol, etc.). Some find it in more unconventional ways. I finally fell into the last category. When Suzanne died, my whole world shattered. The girls suffered. Her parents…
widowed finding happiness again
I Love You Like I Love Mike
A little over 6 months ago, at the end of April 2019, two months before my 15 year-old daughter Julia died by suicide, and 2 years after Mike my husband died, I met a man on a dating website. He’s called Medjool, after my favourite kind of dates. Big, chewy, tasty, sweet. Yum. Since there seems to be some kind of annoying gender difference…
Our Wedding Song Playing
Our wedding song playing. Someone else playing our wedding song as part of their shared memory of a completely different circumstance. My boyfriend’s family’s memory of our wedding song as part of their memory of his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary. Sitting in my boyfriend’s parents’ living room with his whole family watching his…
It’s Not Guilt, It’s Sadness
So it’s been 7 years since my beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. Seven years since his shocking and sudden death. Seven years of living this life in the “after” of painful and life-changing loss. It’s a long time, and it isn’t. It’s forever, and it’s also ten seconds. In all of this time living with the death of my…
Getting Out of My Own Way
I have always thought of myself as an adventurous person. I have never enjoyed sitting still and I enjoy trying new things and exploring. I love being outdoors in nature and a little bit of adrenaline. That being said, I would like to emphasize that I wrote that I like just a little bit of adrenaline. Not too much at any point. I like being in…
These Shades of Pink
Chuck wants me to tell you he wouldn’t leave you without a road map. He wants you to be aware of the markers he’s left for you, both physical and metaphysical. Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. You’re on the right track. Did you know that you’re surrounded by so many angels that I can’t even count them? You’re protected. These…
Pretty Lucky
I’ve heard that when you feel you are struggling with your writing it is because you are writing what you think you should write instead of what you truly feel. I can’t find the actual quote right now (it was much more eloquent than that) but that idea has been on my mind for a while. Since I saw it really. I’ve wanted to write and share…
Let the New Life Begin
So much has happened in such a small amount of time that my head is spinning even as I type. I now live in downtown Austin with cars and people and dog walking and concrete which, for a country boy, is quite the change. I have a new job that’s challenging, engaging and, quite frankly, fun. Life is completely different than just a few weeks…
Bittersweet Christmas
I got up this morning with one important task to accomplish, decorate the front of the house with holiday lights. I’ve notice the number of houses in the neighborhood slowly being lit up with beautiful lights of every color. My daughter has been asking when we would show our holiday spirit by lighting up our house as well.As I don’t do anything…
Thankful
Two Thanksgiving celebrations down, and one to go. It’s been an interesting couple of days. Friday night I hosted an office Thanksgiving potluck at my home. Almost every person from the office came, along with their families. There was so much food, wine and desert, and everyone was in a very good mood. Most had hoped to meet Abel, and since he had…
Deny
When loss strikes, we have a way of denying ourselves of things. Whether it be the ability to smile since they can’t smile. The ability to see all the impact that they’re life left by focusing on the fact that they were taken so suddenly. The ability to celebrate life’s happenings, since they are not there to celebrate it with you. Our ability to…
Saints vs. ….
…. Sinners. That’s what we tend to sometimes make our dead spouse ….. a saint. It’s a good thing they’re dead. No one could actually live up to those standards. Jim was not a saint. Not by a long shot. But then, neither was/am I. But …… and this is a pretty large “but”….. …… we had almost 27 years to work on our relationship.And we…