Yes, tildes are a thing. Unlike exclamation points, which everyone learns in grade school, you probably won’t recognize the term, though you might very well recognize the symbol itself. Lest you think this is a blog about grammar, let me clarify my why of writing about grammar points. Both of them have played a significant role in my life for the…
widowed by cancer
Me, My Daughter and My Anger
Today is my birthday and of course I miss Natasha even more, if that’s even possible. She was always so good at arranging brunch, parties and dinners–Natasha had such a raw flair for celebrations. So, sitting across from my daughter for my birthday dinner is wonderful, but also rather quiet. Why is it just us two? This isn’t…
Wandering~
I wander quite frequently. It’s mostly what I’ve done, and what I do, in this widowland. For 5 years and counting now. Physically and mentally…I wander. Physically, in that I’ve spent these years since the death of my beloved husband wandering the country in my pink car, towing my equally pink T@b Teardrop trailer behind me. Mentally, in that my…
I Got Nothin’~
This may or may not end up being something. My brain is tired. So is my heart. I think I’m coming down with a cold. Family arrives tomorrow for the holidays. After I finished my workamping gig at the opera camp, I stayed here in Arkansas, visiting with my son and his family. I’ve taken some road trips in the past couple months that I’ve been…
Always Learning~
I’ve been on the road quite a bit in the last few weeks, visiting my NJ community. Not towing my trailer, because, you know, weather, and I’m on my way west to Arkansas now, for Thanksgiving. All of which is to say… I listen to podcasts as I drive. History podcasts, philosophy, widow stuff, life stuff. You name it, and I listen to it. And I just…
Random Things I’ve Learned~
Life isn’t always a walk through the fucking tulips. Which is not a new concept for me, in widowhood; I learned this hard lesson in 1996 when my younger brother, Kysa, died, followed by my mom 6 months later. Cancer cured me of the walk through the tulips perception. My husband’s death only solidified this realization. The people I appreciate in…
It Must Have Superpowers
Did you ever feel so consumed by your own grief that you have forgotten that others grieve too? That they grieve not only for the loss of your spouse, who may have been a friend to them, but possibly they grieve also for other people that you may know absolutely nothing about? Do you find that during this time of all consuming grief, you have…
An Honest Love Letter: Saint-Onge style
I was scrolling through my personal blog recently, because I like reading what I wrote while Ben was still alive. Re-reading my words allows me to remember certain days with clarity. For a moment I can close my eyes and feel myself back in my real life when Ben was alive. And even though those days were terrible for him (pain, chemo, radiation,…
Trip Down Memory Lane
This week my daughter and I caught the ferry over to The Sunshine Coast in southern BC and toured Gibsons and Sechelt. Gibsons was home to the filming of the television show “The Beachcombers” from 1972 to 1990. It was also the first hometown to Wendy and Ben from 1993 to 1997. It’s where we lived when we got married, it’s where we…
Maybe I’ll Get A Cat
I’m finding it a bit lonely, this whole “being alone” thing. Back in my real life I often craved alone time. Just one hour of peace and quiet was like winning the lottery, because the last time I had such a thing was somewhere around 1992. The last couple of decades have been filled with career and intermingled with babies, followed by…
Post-death and Grief
Our culture, I think, is filled with contradictions. In general and most certainly when it comes to grief. Here’s a few I’ve encountered. People love a good love story. The public especially seems to admire and go awww when a couple long married, die within hours of each other, unable, even unconsciously, to face life without one another. …
Wandering Wonders
I wonder if I’ll ever wake up again. Wake up to the point where I feel anything besides numbness or pain or his absence.I wonder if I’m okay or if this grief has become complicated. Lately I’ve been reading some articles that suggest that it might be. Except that I only really meet one or two of the criteria and there’s upwards of ten. So…