I’ve always found it fascinating that much of the world – Christian and non-Christian alike – mark time in a way that acknowledges the existence of Christ. We are currently in the Year of Our Lord (Anno Domini) 2011. Using this same sort of starting point, I have marked the time A.D. (after Daniel) and am currently in the year 6 on this…
widow
Home is
Home is where you hang your heart, not only your hat. When Phil died, the four walls of my home became both a refuge and a prison. I hated going out; I hated staying in. The outside world was too bright. I felt blinded by other people’s lightness, innocent happiness, and especially by their apparent disregard for the fact that the world had…
Recap
The past week has been a roller coaster. Charlie was laid to rest and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. It was also during that time that I was moved by my friends’ kindness. I was lucky and blessed to have some of my dearest and best friends there…friends that weren’t like the friends that were around when Michael died….these are…
guilt and acceptance
First posted 7 months post-widowhood on personal blog I have worried since Jeff’s death that he didn’t know how much I loved him. The stupid things I did and the things I took for granted have weighed so heavily on my mind. I have felt terribly and guilty for the things that I complained about and the issues I thought were important. Since Jeff’s…
A Day That Will Live ….
(I wrote this post on my blog Saturday night/Sunday morning. Saturday, the 28th, would have been our 28th wedding anniversary.) ….in infamy. Or at least in history. Our history. Son #2 graduated tonight. He did it. In spite of …. so much. He. Did. It. On this day. This once very happy day.This day that used to stand for love, commitment,…
My Other Ring
About four months after Phil’s death, I returned to my nail salon for the first time since being widowed. As I sat in the chair trying to keep it together while idle chatter swirled around me, my manicurist looked up and asked if I was going to take off my rings. Absently I handed them to her (my engagement ring, my wedding ring, and Phil’s wedding…
Last Walk
***This was written 2 days ago*** Charlie… Charlie is more than a dog. Though my family had him since he was a puppy, in 2004 he came to live with me full-time. He became king. Always having been an outside dog, he was thrown into a world where he didn’t have to fight to get to the dog bowl and got to sleep among pillows and soft comforters. An…
if you were here
There are times that I torture/comfort myself thinking of all the things I would say or do if Jeff “came back”….or was at very least able to hear me. It’s a little game that hurts and heals simultaneously:If you were here, I’d slap you for not going to the doctor sooner. If you were here, I would curl up safe and warm in your arms. If you were…
On the Humor of Our Grieving …
…. and a paragraph about a dream. This is a post I wrote back in March of 2008, three months after Jim died. The kids and I traveled to Oklahoma, where Jim was born and where we both grew up. Well, he grew up in one part of Oklahoma, I grew up in another. Anyway, we went to the farm where Jim was raised for a very solemn purpose. We were…
Yes
I think for a long time I thought that I’d feel happiness through some sort of thick membrane – see it, sort of touch it, and even be able to experience it in a distant way, but I doubted I’d ever feel genuinely happy again. I was certain the lessons that life had taught me would keep me removed from true happiness – I just wouldn’t be able to let…
Every Sunday
(Written 2/2011) Every Sunday it happens. I go into my office to print out the grocery list. And find myself on the computer Searching for…… a distraction, a reason, a gift, something that will ease the unease.I read the past week’s posts of the other widows. I look at my emails. I answer the ones that don’t take much out of me. Finally, I…
Parenthesis, year 4
***If you’re reading this, it is officially May 21st, 2011. The four year angel-versary of my love. I’m writing this a week in advance, and hopefully have succeeded in doing my fourth skydive jump on the 20th (If I don’t blog next week, I’ll tell all your loves “hello” ;D ). This has become an annual event for the military widows of our…