I have so much now in my second chance. I’m forever scarred and forever missing someone I expected to be with until I died, but I get to live on for some reason and I’m doing it well. I’ve been lucky in some instances but in most, I’ve worked hard to be where I am now. I have a lot. I’m in a healthy, loving relationship. I have a beautiful home,…
widow
The Battle
Do not be fooled by the lightness you see in me – The cool easy smile across my face. I would like to kill this silence to death. This silence in me where once stood the man of my soul. A silence louder than all the rest. Do not be fooled for a moment – For where you see my eyes shine with being You see a moment in time that I am…
I Miss You
Sometimes the English language feels so inadequate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve said ‘I miss him’ in the past 11 months since my husband passed away. But each time I say it, I find myself thinking that these three words just aren’t enough to fully capture the ache that is tearing at my body, mind and soul. ‘I miss…
What Was My Point?
I am the Friday writer here at Widow’s Voice. That means, that every single Friday, a blog post written by me goes up. Technically, I write the post late Thursday night, so as to have it finished by the deadline of midnight West Coast time, which is 3 a.m. my time. So, you would think that because I have been writing in here for quite awhile now,…
Chop wood. Carry water.
There is a saying in Zen: Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After Mike died I couldn’t function coherently at all for about a week. I couldn’t focus on the basic necessities of cooking, cleaning, errands…even driving. I really could not drive…
Hello Year Three
I’m struggling writing this week. I know the general gist of what I want to say, but some of it keeps seeming harsh, uncaring, like I’m an insensitive bitch. Because it’s about the relief and positivity I’ve figured out I find in Ian’s death anniversary. This past weekend was the second anniversary of Ian’s passing. And although it may sound…
The Box
I put a blue sticky note on it so the movers wouldn’t pack it. I carefully carried it to the car, hefting its astonishing weight, and placed it gently in the back seat. Alone for a few moments at the new place, I picked it up again, and carried it close to my body up to the new bedroom and found its new spot where it snugly fits. I closed the door…
Two Years Ago
Two years year ago this week, I had no concept of time. Nor of my life any longer as I knew it. Two years ago today, I was making funeral arrangements For the man I had planned to grow old with. And going from pain to disbelief and back to pain every 10 minutes Like an endless loopTwo years ago today, I was two days in to being an unwedded widow.
A Beautiful Day
This week brought with it a major milestone – my first wedding anniversary. A special day that I should have been celebrating with my darling but, instead, had to spend alone, as his widow. I’ve had a pretty busy few weeks so even though I knew it was looming, the reality of the day really snuck up on me. One year ago I married the man of my…
What If
One of the amazing and inspiring things that has happened as a result of losing the person I love most in this world to death, is meeting so many incredible and beautiful people who have also lost the person they love most. One of these people is my friend Sarah Treanor. Some of you may know of her, as she is the Sunday writer here at “Widow’s…
Daydream Driving
I was driving around town the other day and I suddenly became aware of my thoughts. You know how when you’re driving sometimes it’s kind of by rote, and you forget how you got where you were going because you’re so busy chewing on some memory or idea in your head? I paused at a stoplight and looked around. I realized I had been thinking about…
No Offense Meant~Bless Your Heart
FWG. A term I made up myself and one that may or may not be offensive to people. Words are funny, aren’t they? My mom used to say that people are the ones who give power to words and I believe the same goes for those who hear the words. They receive it according to how they define the word. When people ask me what FWG means, I generally ask…