So it’s been 7 years since my beautiful husband left for work one morning, and never came home. Seven years since his shocking and sudden death. Seven years of living this life in the “after” of painful and life-changing loss. It’s a long time, and it isn’t. It’s forever, and it’s also ten seconds. In all of this time living with the death of my…
widowed moving forward
Options
I think we all feel “lost” in some way, and sometimes in all ways. But, understand, feeling lost after the person you love dies doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself forever. I know that outliving the person you love isn’t easy. In truth, it’s easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been forced to do. I remember many nights I stood in…
Now What?
With hindsight, I know that there is no way I could have better prepared for what has been required of me since Mike died. Widowhood is something you have to live to fully understand. There is no way to adequately explain this life in words. It is something that has to be experienced first hand to be comprehended. This being the case,…
He knew. This too, shall pass.
When my husband and I were ‘new’, and so full of love for each other, he would caution me that this aspect of our relationship, the euphoria and the intensity, would change. “It won’t always feel like this,” he would say. Extremist that I am, my heart opened and softened by his attentiveness, I did not believe it for a moment. I had found,…
Stumbling Proudly
I’ve been feeling the strains of beginning anew lately. Let’s face it – starting to date someone is always messy. New person, new energy, new triggers and sensitivities. But being widowed makes it even trickier. After almost 3 years without a man by my side… I am a completely different person than who I was with Drew. I am far more independent. I…
Carrying the Grief Ahead
I’ve had little time to think in the past few days. I came down for the weekend to the beach a few hours south of where I live, with a bunch of friends. Like everything in this After Life, even the most ordinary stuff – like a beach trip – has significance and can feel heavy. I woke this morning early to write this – all my friends still dozing…
After Shine
I am so grateful for this Widow’s Voice. And it’s not just about having the opportunity to share, but to know that each day I can check in and “hear” another widow’s voice; that I can follow and learn about the multitude of paths, thoughts and feelings that are experienced. Even if I ever stop writing here, I know I will read it every…
Complex Joy
I struggle tonight with what to write here. Not because I have no words for my pain… but because lately, I have been… happy. And I am struggling to write about that. Lately, my new life has become one I genuinely love. It may not be the life I had with him – but it is rich and full… and to be completely honest, it is actually far richer and…
Full Circle
About 2 years ago, during a long and emotional session with Caitlin, my grief-therapist, she looked at me very seriously and she said: “There is going to be a day when you no longer need to come and see me anymore. It will be gradual. Maybe you’ll only come every other week for awhile. Maybe skip some weeks. And then, finally, you just won’t need…
Setting a Standard
Shelby needs to have an example of what a caring, devoted man, father, and husband should be. She is a mere 8 years old, but I believe most readers here will understand when I state that, well, I might not be here by the time she’s 18. It’s a cold, hard truth that should never be swept under the rug or glossed over, and I can unfortunately…
Two Versions of Love
I have been thinking a lot lately about something Michele Neff Hernandez, our editor, said in a workshop over a year ago about finding new love. Back then, I was nowhere near wanting new love. But I knew someday I would want it. So I attended this workshop at Camp Widow in Tampa, and listened to what she had to say. The thing I remember most is her…
The Story
I met a new friend the other day and in the course of conversation The Story came out. You know the one. The Story. The one about how I was married and then wasn’t married. What happened, how it happened, what’s happened since then, what happened before then. Early on in my widowhood The Story was so deeply painful that I basically hid…