I don’t like dessert, so I will not be serving it with our Thanksgiving dinner. I have never really liked dessert. And, Mike didn’t like dessert either. I wonder if that is a coincidence? I think not. I can tell you that I don’t think there are any coincidences in life, even when it comes to dessert. I almost always pass on…
StaciSulin
Condiments
For almost two years, I have kept a small, hand picked assortment of condiments in my freezer. The content of these containers have long expired; but, still, I can not bring myself to throw them out because they are from the recent past – when Mike was alive. These common containers are anything but ordinary. To me, they are stale, sticky, well…
Undressed
How do I reenter life? The life I knew and loved has been radically changed. There is simply no returning to it. That life is over. I can not resume where he and I left off. I need to rebuild. But, where do I begin? When he died I felt my foundation shift and collapse. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the…
Maybe this will Help – What I know about Grief and Support
I wish I had better guidance to give people early on when they tried to help me. People were making heartfelt efforts to comfort me – most armed without experience. Two years later, these helpers have almost all disappeared. And, I understand. People have lives of their own to live. I understand.I understand that they simply can not understand…
What do I do?
I ask myself again and again – What do I do? I whisper these words to myself as I walk out into the world and go about my life – without him. I’ve been asking this question for nearly two damn years… I am tired of this question. I want to fill my mind with other thoughts. But, since he died, I’m different than most women my age. The…
Connection
I miss our connection to one another. When your spouse dies, it feels like you are undergoing an amputation without any anesthetic. Their absence is felt on a Soul level. And, learning to live without them breaks you in places you didn’t know existed. Over time, a natural, graceful interdependence developed between us. Together, we…
Makeshift Plan
I do not have it figured out yet. But, day by day I am getting closer to finding my way back to life. I have created a makeshift plan that I’m getting excited about. And, being even mildly excited is reason to celebrate because for nearly two years I’ve been completely underwhelmed by my life. I know that my new life will be very different…
A Life Unfinished
It’s Sunday morning… I should hear you happily humming as you walk down the stairs to start the coffee. As I lay in our bed, I should notice the familiar sound of the beans grinding. Soon, the smell of coffee should be thick in the air. There should be music playing in the kitchen. And, any moment now, my phone should ding and the screen…
Helpers
Dear Helpers, One of the most powerful things anyone can say to me is “Yes, this is __________”. *Insert: awful, terrible, horrible, sad, unfair, gutting… Any word that acknowledges that Mike’s death sucks will complete this simple sentence. The fact is Mike being dead is hard for me. And, yes, it still continues to be…
Blind Faith
Continuing to love him in separation doesn’t just seem obvious, It FEELS like the natural thing to do. Our Love didn’t die. Our Love didn’t wane when his body died. Continuing our bond is as necessary as breath for me. I continue to love Mike in separation, because it’s the only way I know how to live. But, lately I admit that…
Wanderlust
I need to see new things. And, also, see the same things – somewhere else. I need to stand on different street corners. And, walk roads that lead to new people and places. I need to breathe the air – somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel like I am holding my breath, Living here in the outskirts of my old life. ~Staci I feel restless lately. …
Our First Wedding Anniversary
Tomorrow is our first “Wedding” Anniversary. And, I call it our Wedding Anniversary even though Mike died before we said “I do”. I married him in a thousand different ways before he even asked me to be his wife. In our hearts we were husband and wife; And, now given the circumstance, people tell me that’s what matters. Still, I…