I wish I had better guidance to give people early on when they tried to help me. People were making heartfelt efforts to comfort me – most armed without experience. Two years later, these helpers have almost all disappeared. And, I understand. People have lives of their own to live. I understand.I understand that they simply can not understand…
hope for widows
The Me Now
I sometimes feel like I have 2 identities: the me before and the me after my husband, Mike, died. I was originally going to introduce myself by introducing the me before I became a widow but that wasn’t sitting well with me as a first impression. It’s not really who I am today. It is still important to how my current identity developed but it…
Blossom and Fade
I sit here at Mike’s old desk, a glass of wine by my elbow and the almost full moon shining brightly through the window, and wonder what I would be doing now were he still alive. I pause for a moment and think of our other writers here and their lives; all of our struggles, changes, decisions and thoughts in the wake of our losses. And all the…
Lighthouse
I got an email today that made my heart do a little dance. It was from a fellow widow friend of mine, whom I’ve only met online, and who also happens to be a therapist. This was what her email said: “I was with a client yesterday, and I asked her where she has found support online. She sighed and then said, ‘Well, most of the stuff is useless. But…
Happy
It’s been a long time since I could say without hesitation “I feel happy”. In the time since Dave died, I’ve laughed and enjoyed myself, but always I felt that underlying layer of sadness and shock that dampened everything. It made even laughter a bittersweet act. How could I laugh when he was gone? Lately, though, I’ve felt happy. Not tinged with…
I survived….
… Christmas, that is. I won’t lie to you, the week before Christmas, I was not feeling great. The weight of another Christmas without Greg weighed heavily on my mind. I missed him. I know I miss him every day, but last week I really missed him. I missed sitting on the couch and snuggling, watching the lights on the tree flicker. I…
Cheers!
I’ll start today with a few toasts to the holidays! Cheers! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! and drum roll please…..Death still Sucks! Two more days til Christmas, and as usual….I’m not ready yet. I still have a shopping list, I’ve still not wrapped my gifts, and I haven’t watched all the movies I want to see or drank all the eggnog in the…
Fairy Tales
Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me. But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and…
I’m Okay
Six years ago my husband died in a tragic accident (is there any other kind really?). I woke up the next morning, and felt certain that I had been dreaming. With my eyes closed, I slid my hand across the bed to Phil’s side, and felt the cold sheets where his warm body used to lie. I wasn’t dreaming. The pain of his absence was searing. There were…
A Look Back
I was looking through some old posts today and this one caught my attention. I wrote it on December 18, 2008. One year after Jim died. I wrote about that year, and how far I/we came in those 365 days. I thought I had come a long way. I had no clue. None. I still had so much further to go. But still …. after reading it today …. that’s what…
first
We made it. Through all the firsts. The firsts without Jeff at birthday parties, Christmas morning, through illnesses and accomplishments. His absence has been an aching void….almost a presence in itself. But time has continued its’ slithery journey. I look back over the time without my love and see that 365 days have gone by and no time at all…
one more, just like us.
i met another one. this time, holding a baby just a few days past a month old. she was pregnant when her husband died.she was left in the place that so many of us have found ourselves. but i didn’t know that. not yet. … she smiled when we met, i smiled back, talking to her baby. then she told me. … i should be able to hide my…