These last few days have been a mad rush. I accompanied my “now youngest” daughter Megan, who is 18, to start university in the middle of the UK. We live in France, so it’s a bit of a schlep, and since we take a flight, there’s a limit to what we can carry. Furnishing her student digs, then, becomes a race against time and my credit card’s…
changes
Overdrive
For those of you not aware of what “overdrive” is in a car, I’ll try to simply explain it. Overdrive is a gear in the transmission that is less than a 1:1 ratio with the engine. Effectively, the wheels turn faster than the motor. It’s great for cruising at higher speeds. The engine doesn’t have to work as hard, so it’s a more…
What do I do?
I ask myself again and again – What do I do? I whisper these words to myself as I walk out into the world and go about my life – without him. I’ve been asking this question for nearly two damn years… I am tired of this question. I want to fill my mind with other thoughts. But, since he died, I’m different than most women my age. The…
Makeshift Plan
I do not have it figured out yet. But, day by day I am getting closer to finding my way back to life. I have created a makeshift plan that I’m getting excited about. And, being even mildly excited is reason to celebrate because for nearly two years I’ve been completely underwhelmed by my life. I know that my new life will be very different…
Second Time Around
Does our soul get more than one soulmate? Yes. And no. This is what I believe. …. Our soul is perhaps the biggest part of our makeup, as human beings. It is what carries all the important stuff. Emotion, heart, love. I think that with life experience, age, and time, our souls change and alter some. I think after the death of a partner or…
Come Undone
Most of the time I feel empty inside. The landscape of my Soul is barren since he died. However, most people can only see the vibrant life I have. At first glance, my life appears fairly enviable. With the exception of Mike’s death, I have all the trappings of a good life. I have the kids, the house, the car, and the career. I have…
Malbec
Since you died I feel like I am masquerading in someone else’s life. The likelihood of outliving you was always in the back of my mind, but it wasn’t something that I prepared for because I naively thought we had “the rest of our lives” ahead of us. I honestly thought that we had at least twenty more years together. And, because I blindly…
Winds of Change
Photo source: mapofthenight Grief takes us to a secluded, dark place. We hesitate. We resist settling into this lonely realm. But, in order to slowly breathe life back into ourselves, We have to temporarily take residence in this muted, mysterious environment, I resisted this shadowy, hidden place for a long, long time. I…
Aloha and Mahalo
One of the things I’ve learned – one of the great many things I’ve learned since becoming a widow is that life is change. All things shift, turn on their heads, ebb and flow, and come to an end. We can’t stop it though we may try. I might have thought I understood that before Mike died, but now I really get it. Because something has happened…
The Dance
When Grief comes, Take her in your arms and dance with her. Don’t resist. Fall into her. Move and sway in time with her. Hold her carefully. Then, when the music is over, Look her in the eyes and thank her for the dance. Source: pinterest Maybe the words are too kitschy. Maybe this image of Grief is overly sentimental and…
Loving You in Separation
I feel like each breathe I take puts more distance between us. You are in another place. A place I don’t know. A dimension I can’t fully understand because I am still here. You exist somewhere far from me; yet, somehow you are right here beside me. You are everywhere; and, also nowhere to be found. My Soul loves you, forever, for…
I’m Building my Wings on the Way Down
Ringing in the new year without you is something I never want to do. This year, or ever. No matter how much time passes, no matter how my life changes; and no matter where I am standing on New Year’s Eve, I know that I will always pause and think of you. I will always want you to still be alive, here with me. And, always, I will want to…