Photo source: mapofthenight
Grief takes us to a secluded, dark place.
We hesitate.
We resist settling into this lonely realm.
But, in order to slowly breathe life back into ourselves,
We have to temporarily take residence in this muted, mysterious environment,
I resisted this shadowy, hidden place for a long, long time.
I ran from it whenever possible.
Because, I was scared to be alone in the “nothingness” of this place.
I had the notion that my fears would swallow me alive.
I thought I would drown in the silence.
Maybe you feel like this today.
If you feel lonely,
Displaced and rootless,
You are not alone…
If you are drifting in a place of “nothingness”
Does it comfort you to know,
I am here – in this abyss – with you.
Take my hand,
Let’s find our way…
We need to turn to our hearts for direction.
If you listen, in the stillness, past your heartbeat, you can faintly hear the breeze.
The Winds of Change are here…
Despite the rush of the wind, remember to be gentle on yourself. After all, your person died – and this sucks. We have both been forced to dwell in darkness since our world went quiet. Inside us there is a sharp emptiness. We desperately want to find our way out of this void, but we must carefully ease ourselves back to life…
In the solitude and silence of grief,
we hear the beating of our heart.
For most of us,
it is the first time
that we have actually listened
to the sound of the life force within us.
Accompanied by the steadiness of our heartbeat,
we restlessly search our Souls to make sense of our changed life…
Yes, the words sound pretty. But, I know that actioning my words is gritty. Moving forward is not easy to do. I live with a clumsiness that I am not used to. Gone are the days of eloquently moving through life. As I write to you, I am asking myself: Now what? Where do I go from here? Where are the winds of change blowing me?
Photo:caprilli.com
I know that life doesn’t unfold like words read off a page.
Life is not that simple.
But, sometimes, right in the middle of an ordinary life, we can experienced magic.
I know this because I lived it.
When Mike was alive, the story of my life unfolded better than any fictional words I can write. Together Mike and I lived a fairy tale existence. And, still, my heart longs to return to a place in time where there was more ahead for Mike and I, but this is not possible. So, now, I fill up my empty heart with memories.
I’m no different than you. My heartbreak is yours. I understand the deep, aching hollowness. Yet, I don’t know what can be done to ease the emptiness in our Souls. I have so many questions. But, I don’t have all the answers. I spend a lot of time trying to find purpose. I am trying to re-establish meaning in my life. I am attempting to live in a way that will serve my children well. I am trying to re-capture the joy that is present all around me. And, to do this, I look for inspiration from Mike. I am painfully aware that he isn’t physically here. And, I know that I can never share the joy of an ordinary moment with him again; but, Mike can still remind me to seek out happiness. He can remind me to look at the world with wide eyes and a pocket full of hope. He can remind me to fill the room with laughter. He can remind me to smile in spite of his death. Mike doesn’t need to be physically here to continue to inspire me to live the way he did.
While he was alive, Mike taught me a lot about living. And, now, without him, I re-visit his lessons. By example, he showed me how to love life. And, Mike gave me a love story that I can use as starting point to continue writing the story of my life.
The winds of change have whispered to me… In words carried by the wind, Mike tells me that, “I have to think of his death as not an ending, but a beginning of sorts.” Without choice, I am beginning my life anew. Mike’s death has made me know life differently. And, just recently, I realize how much he showed me about living.
Mike loved life and it loved him right back.
This is his legacy.
It is his gift to me,
And, I share it with you,
from both of us.
It is my intention to turn my worst heartbreak into something that serves others. I want to take my sadness and turn it into something that can help ease the pain in your Soul. As I write to you and try to make sense of my life, I hope that my journey can inspire you on yours. I don’t know what the future holds for me or for you, but I am certain that the winds of change will lead us towards a beautiful life. I believe “what you seek is seeking you” (Rumi), and in the wind storm we are destine to collide with that which we seek.
Standing in the Winds of Change,
Staci
