My Love, I miss you to the depths of me. When I say to the depths of me, I mean I yearn for you, With all that I am -in my human form. And, then further. The aching for you lives, Both, inside and outside of me. I feel all the missingness, Loosely, messily, precariously Contained inside of me. Ricocheting off the corners of my…
StaciSulin
Falling out of Grief
I feel like this may need some sort of introductory explanation. Suffice to say, that this entry is kinda sultry; but, more so, it is fairly profound – at least to me. ~Staci I have figured out how to love Mike -in separation. And, I am not talking about some superficial, makeshift love. I am talking about deep, pure, passionate love. The type of…
La Bella Vita
A year ago, if someone told me that my life would fall into place again I would have hoped what they were telling me was right. The problem is that hope does not provide a sense of contentment because hope can only take you so far. It is just a starting point. There is a big difference between hoping and knowing. Now, finally, inside my…
Living Room
I should have started writing my blog a long time ago, but the day got away from me because I got busy L-I-V-I-N-G . I didn’t do anything particularly noteworthy today. In fact, I spent the better part of the day doing “normal” things; which, in and of itself, is not extraordinary. But, what was exceptional about today was that I actually…
Options
I think we all feel “lost” in some way, and sometimes in all ways. But, understand, feeling lost after the person you love dies doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself forever. I know that outliving the person you love isn’t easy. In truth, it’s easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been forced to do. I remember many nights I stood in…
Beginnings
It goes without saying that I miss Mike. He was my life companion. My best friend. My lover. My Soul’s mate. He was my person. The one who championed me. He was the man who loved me to the depths of my Soul – from the depth of his own. But, now he is dead. And, I am here missing all that he was. To say that I miss his love is an…
Go Love on Life
Widowhood does not come with a map. In the beginning, there are no familiar landmarks and the curves on the road are unfamiliar. As you set out on your way, you will spend a great deal of time bumping into things as you shimmy along, and that’s okay. The important thing is that you are moving and forward momentum is always a good thing. …
Now What?
With hindsight, I know that there is no way I could have better prepared for what has been required of me since Mike died. Widowhood is something you have to live to fully understand. There is no way to adequately explain this life in words. It is something that has to be experienced first hand to be comprehended. This being the case,…
My Favorite Song
Music was always playing in both our homes. And, now there are certain songs that bring me back to a better place in time. A time, when Mike was alive. A time, when I was in love with a man who stood before my eyes. Our familiar songs take me back to a place in time where he exists. A time, when he breathed life and love into me. A time,…
Single Seat
My son graduated on Friday. It was a good day. His graduation is not about grief. But, just like everything in my life, his graduation got me thinking about Mike. And, I feel incredibly guilty because not everything has to do with Mike. Except that it does – for me. I purposefully avoided social media this weekend because I didn’t want…
Weak at the Knees
How do I bring the girl he fell in love with back to life? I miss her. I am working on rebuilding myself. And, the new version of me is different. I am changed not by choice, but by design. Not all of me survived his death. But, the core of who I am and who he loved still remains. So, here I am using the bones of my old self as…
Marry Me.
On May 25, 2016, he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. I have sat here re-reading those two sentences again and again and again. I just can’t seem to process the words the letters are forming. My mind can not make sense of what I am reading. My heart can not accept the words on the page. I do not know if…