On May 25, 2016, he asked me to marry him.
Then, he died before our wedding day.
I have sat here re-reading those two sentences again and again and again. I just can’t seem to process the words the letters are forming. My mind can not make sense of what I am reading. My heart can not accept the words on the page. I do not know if this will ever feel anything but surreal.
Never in a million years did I think this would be the story of my life. It is fair to say Mike and I were just getting to the good part in our love story. We were leading up to the chapter where we were going to live happily ever after. There was no way for us to predict that our story was going to come to a tragic end. Looking back, there wasn’t any foreshadowing. Everything was coming up roses for us. Our life together was magical. And, even as I was living it, I remember stopping myself – in the middle an ordinary moment – because I could not believe how beautifully everything was falling into place. Maybe it really was too good to be true.
Life was good.
Our life together was better than anything we dreamed of.
And, that’s an understatement.
Then, one night Mike went to sleep and the next morning he never woke up.
And, just like that,
Our story was over.
There were no goodbyes.
And, there will not be happily ever after for us.
At least not here…
It’s been 2 years and 3 days since he proposed to me on a warm night in Mexico. I can feel everything about that moment when Mike asked me to be his wife. It feels like just last night; and, it also feels like a lifetime ago too.
A significant amount of time has passed since his proposal; and, I am still not sure what to do with all our hopes and dreams that never came to be. I struggle to live in the moment because I am continuously daydreaming about a fictional life that we never got to live. I constantly wish we were living together under one roof as husband and wife. It’s fair to say that I spend a lot of time wishing for things that are no longer possible. And, all this wishful thinking detracts me from living the life before me now.
We were so excited about spending the rest of our lives together- as a family – and I still want to live this life we were planning. I know how irrational this is, and sometimes I feel like I’m crazy for still fantasizing about this pretend life. Although my mind understands that he is gone from this dimension, my heart yearns for him to come back so that we can live happily ever after like he promised me we would.
In truth, I still very much want to be his wife. And, I think a part of me always will. And, this complicates things for me because it is very difficult to fully participate in life when you want to be a dead man’s wife. Because of my illogical desires I am forced to exist in limbo. I feel like I live here, and also in a parallel Universe. And, it is exhausting living like this.
The reality is, Mike did spend the rest of his life with me.
So, why isn’t this enough.
Why can’t I just be happy with this and be content to live a future different than the one I imagined…
I don’t know how to go about finding peace in this mess so I won’t even begin to write about it. However, there are two things I do know: In my heart, I am Mike’s Wife. And, he will always feel like my Husband.
We were supposed to be married August 20, 2017. I had a small celebration at my house in honor of our wedding day. We gathered and celebrated LOVE. The love that was present on that day was bigger than Mike and I. On our ‘wedding day’ there was JOY in the air and LOVE was everywhere. I will close this week’s blog with these words I wrote for my husband on what should have been the day he married me. #longlivelove
Let’s spend our best dinners at home.
In our kitchen.
Just the two of us,
Eating farm fresh eggs,
Standing beside the fridge,
When there is a perfectly good table
Let’s sit outside on the patio,
Talking and laughing all night long,
While we listen to
Our favorite songs.
We can talk about
“the rest of our lives”
As we sit side by side.
So we can take turns falling asleep
On the couch while we watch tv,
And, I will wake up,
And, open my eyes,
And, like always,
You will be there,
On your knees,
Looking at me,
Like it’s the first time,
You ever laid your eyes on me.
You will brush the hair from my eyes,
And, you will tell me,
“You are SO Beautiful”,
Just like you have everyday before.
But, to my ears,
Your voice will be as sincere
As the first time,
You ever spoke
those words to me.
So, I can come home to you,
Every night for the rest of my life.
I will take off my shoes,
At Our front door,
And, I will hear you say,
As I walk in the room…
Like I’ve heard,
One thousand times before.
And, still, every time,
It melts my heart.
I will stand and wait.
You will come here and kiss me,
Like I’ve been gone forever.
We can hold hands.
And, walk into crowded rooms,
And, it will always feel like,
There is no one there,
But, me and you.
We can ditch parties,
And, we can come home,
While we drink wine
with ice cubes..
In the kitchen,
Dance with me.
Look into my eyes,
And, tell me how much you love me.
The happiest girl in the world.