Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

Change

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I feel change. Change in me.  And, changes around me.
If Mike’s death has taught me anything it is that change is the only thing that is constant in life.
Change is the only thing that you can know for certain.

I have changed so very much since he died I often wonder if he could come back to life if Mike and I would need some time to adjust to each other.  I am not the woman Mike knew and loved anymore.  Parts of that woman still exist, but his death has irreparably changed me.  I accept this.  I have to.

Moving Forward….

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My second Valentine’s without you. The first one was a fog. The second one I’m wide awake with full clarity to feel all the feelings. To say today is fine would be dishonest. Today is hard but I know that I’ll be ok. I am safe. Since Tin’s passing, I have found that my open […]

Passion Take 2

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I have taken a fair bit of time to think about my future.  After much thought and consideration, I have concluded that my life will be magical again – eventually.  I know that my life will be everything I ever dreamed it could be.  Life will be beautiful – again.  Maybe even more lovely than I’ve ever imagined…  […]

Someone else’s memories *sigh*

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Just an ordinary widowed day. Get up, brush my teeth, look at the dishes and laundry I didn’t have time to do, *sigh*, take the dog out – Pretty standard these days. Roan and I start our walk grabbing a bag because we pick up after ourselves. Well actually I clean up after us. Just me. No one to help. *sigh*.  We walk the same way every morning…

Life After Death Through Three Lenses of Change

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In my recent experience learning about Human Dynamic Systems, one of the frameworks I was introduced to was called “Three Kinds of Change”. It posits that there are three types of change we face, and knowing what kind we are experiencing is important to helping us find appropriate ways of working with it. It occurred to me to look at aspects of…

Grit and Grace

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My foundation shifted and collapsed when he died. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapidated life.    For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me.  I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life.  Then, after a while, I realized that Mike was…

Skeletons in the Closet

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  Well it’s almost 2 years now and I finally gave in. I haven’t really gone through our closet since Tin passed away.  Each time I’d go in the closet I would feel like there were skeletons about to grab me. I’d choke up seeing a jacket he wore, a scarf he wrapped, a shirt that was there for a special event we had together. Sometimes I…

A Good Week?

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It’s been a good week. By most objective and subjective measures, it’s been a good week. For me. And I realise it’s been a horrendous week and few days for anyone who is newly widowed, grieving, going through date landmines, dealing with death-admin. I am not a follower of Basketball, American or any other type, but god knows I have some…

Resolutions and other Bullshit

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Many people make resolutions in January.   I didn’t.  I simply picked a word.  I picked a word to guide me into the new decade. LOVE This is my word.    I’m not talking about romantic love.  I’m talking about: Big Love, Agape Love, Self-Love.  And, mostly I am talking about Love of Life. MY life.  The life  I have in front of…

Social Media Inspiration

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After awhile, our friends and family don’t get the daily loss reminders we do. I get these strong urges to post on social media and remind them but those posts have evolved into a way to try and help anyone who needs it. This week, as I sit in my car, I just started writting….. It’s been almost 2 years since Clayton passed away. Sometimes it…