Widow's Voice

Traveler’s Remorse

| Posted by:

Two weeks traveling abroad in the Brazilian Amazon! How amazing! So exciting! I have never traveled out of the country besides Cancun, Mexico so this was a huge step outside my comfort zone. I haven’t had an actual vacation since Tin passed so this would be a break for me to soak up the experience and take the much earned downtime to recharge.

I slept more than I have in two years. I ate more than I have in two years yet now I feel more lost than I have in two years. My trip away didn’t help me move forward. I’ve fallen.I’ve relapsed big time and I don’t have much strength to pull myself up. The flight home built anxiety. Walking into this empty apartment brought clarity. I’m worn down. I’m tired. I’m lost in a familiar places, in familiar crowds. Just lost.

Feeling depressed, I went against my better judgment and joined friends at a party tonight. All I could see were the couples that surrounded me making holiday plans, wedding plans, baby plans. I have no plans…

I was so excited for my trip but now I realize that it was an escape from an empty life that was patiently waiting for me upon return. No one to pick me up from the airport. No one to grab takeout with. No one to cuddle and share my adventures. Tin is gone and I’m heartbroken. 

I don’t know what is worse, staying home and missing life or traveling to avoid the fact that life is missing…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.