Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I didn’t want to celebrate that I was alive another year. I felt tremendous guilt and I thought that […]
Widowed Emotions
Year Five… It is not what you think
Mike’s 5th death date is November 15th, 2021. For the last four years, I have always had a heaviness in my heart when Fall came around because it meant the anniversary of the worst day of my life was looming. This year, I don’t feel dread about his death date. The truth is, I don’t feel anything really. This is not easy to admit because it makes me feel like a bad widow. It makes me feel like people will think I didn’t love him. And, worst of all it makes me wonder if I am less devoted to him than I thought I was.
I feel sad that I am not sad. All these new and uncomfortable thoughts make me feel out of sorts. I am wrestling with my emotions because I don’t feel heartbroken the way I have in years past; but, I am grateful because this is far less challenging to sort out than the raw grief I felt in other Novembers. As I approach my fifth year without him, I don’t feel an endless longing for him anymore. Instead, I feel a type of acceptance.
Change
I have a giant vase full of change. It occurred to me today that I’ve been collecting all the change I find along the past 4.5ish years since day 1 of widowhood. Look at all that change. Interesting how one word can mean so much and so little to others. Some fear change and others […]
I did a *thing*
Last weekend, I did a “thing”. I went on a weekend trip with a guy (one that is actually *alive*…gasp). I met this guy in summer 2019 when I was giving the dating app thing a try. It’s been over two years, but we have never really made things official because life made things so […]
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart . . . after e.e. cummings poem i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear) e.e. cummings i carry your heart with me the heart that broke—grew—broke literally—and mended […]
From Pandemic to Endemic
Photo by Gabriella Clare Marino on Unsplash I read a McKinsey article this morning called “Pandemic to Endemic: How the world needs to learn to live with COVID-19”. The article is basically about, erm, learning to live with COVID-19. That COVID-19 is something that is not going to go away. That it is not time-bound […]
Falling into my Own Life…
I wrote this one year ago. It is amazing how in a year so much can change in a person’s life. I will explain in an addendum that follows. ~S. I realize that I may always “fall” when the Fall season is before me. The first few years, when the leaves changed color I […]
The Stress of the Sale
House hunting – It’s been at the forefront of my mind and free time the past two weeks. We all know that the housing market is out of control right now. Some have said that it might not be the best time to buy a place but others say “you know when you know”. When […]
I can do heavy
Image by Stephan Mabbs on Unsplash Today I had a two-hour slot scheduled with a man called Simon G, who, like me, is a participant in a learning programme. We are learning to facilitate Systemic Constellations work in organisations, led by the formidable Caroline Ward. Simon and I first met at a one-day “taster” programme […]
Flash Back to Flash Forward
Today’s blog is a moment of self-reflection. Once in awhile, I sit down and take stock of where I am and where I was. Right now I am on a beautiful weekend getaway with my boyfriend and his family. I want to absorb as much of our moments together as I can so sharing an […]
Widow Appreciation Post.
Until Boris died I did not realize how much it means for someone to be able to say, “me, too”. In the weeks and months following his death, I craved stories and relationships with people who had lost their person or lost someone they love to suicide. I wanted to only watch movies, read books, […]
THE WONDER OF A CAMP FOR WIDOWED PEOPLE
The Wonder of Peer Support. This past weekend, I attended Camp Widow as a newly widowed person where you immediately feel that people understand your feelings. Peer support is the “process of giving and receiving encouragement and assistance to achieve long-term recovery.” Peer supporters “offer emotional support, share knowledge, teach skills, provide practical assistance, and […]