Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash In the weeks and months after Mike died, people often asked me if I dreamt of him. I barely did. He was “in my dreams” – a presence in them – but dead. I remember resenting that I knew all the time, every moment, day or night, even when […]
Blog
Almost “normal”…
I have been feeling almost like a “regular” person lately. What I mean is that I almost feel like I did before Mike died; and, for me, quite surprisingly, feeling normal doesn’t really feel normal at all. Feeling “normal”, in and of itself, is strange and unsettling for me because for so long I have […]
Regrets.
One of the most difficult feelings or experiences that I continue to have after Boris’s death is regret, and the “what ifs”. These, of course, come up when thinking about the nature of his death by suicide, but tonight, I am thinking a lot about the regrets of our life together. I regret so many […]
The Widowed Willow
When I was younger, I used to think that hardship and emotion showed a sign of weakness. That smaller, shorter, thinner-skinned Bryan was just always going to always be “Crying Bryan”. It stung to get bullied and it was tough to see others feel hurt. What I realize now is that those difficulties were toughening […]
6 Offers, a Wedding, and an Easter Gathering
So, everyone in my immediate family circle has now been vaccinated. (well, except my niece and nephew, because the vaccine hasnt been approved yet for kids under 16. But soon … ) Because of this, we are starting to plan more family events and gatherings, and slowly starting to get back to something a bit […]
A Change Is Gonna Come
As I said last week, I am open to change in my life. I am going to start by working fewer hours as an attorney and expect this may open doors to new activities and people. After just one week, it’s still too early to report to you authoritatively, but I am feeling good about […]
The Goodbye Times~
Remember that old song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover? A song that carries a very different meaning from when your Lover leaves you at the end of his/her life. I’m thinking of all the goodbyes I’ve said in my life, and how none of them were easy in any way. Goodbyes aren’t meant to […]
Re-enter, Re-emerge, Re-cover, Re-silient, Re-be, Re-re
Photo by Tolka Ulkan on Unsplash Today is a stay-in-bed-day I am feeling weepy I am feeling bereft I am missing my old life I am missing my dead loves I am missing my alive loves The dog and cat were with me for a while but even they got bored and left It’s all […]
Homeless
I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don’t feel much different than usual. I guess over the last 4.5 years I have become used to living in a constant state of restlessness and uncertainty. Moving usually causes people to feel stressed; but, for me, the opposite has occurred. I feel calmer since I left my house. This whole process has really been a lot less anxiety provoking and emotional than I anticipated it would be.
The Tangled Widowed Web
This week hit hard in a way I never expected. My Instagram account was hacked and a social media storm ensued. I started to get notifications from Instagram and friends that something was strange. I was completely locked out with no options to change my password and get stuff back. The hacker started to email […]
Sleep Issues
Those of you who have been reading here and following me for a long time might know or remember that the two absolute worst things that happened in my life, both happened while I was asleep in my bed.They both jarred me awake – one with a constant ringing phone, and the other with the […]
The Last Trial?
For the past few weeks, I’ve been away from this blog to serve as the lead counsel for a team of defense lawyers in the first federal civil jury trial to take place in our District since the pandemic erupted more than a year ago. Since the last time I appeared in any courtroom, I’d […]