Widow's Voice

Homeless

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I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don’t feel much different than usual.  I guess over the last 4.5 years I have become used to living in a constant state of restlessness and uncertainty.  Moving usually causes people to feel stressed; but, for me, the opposite has occurred.  I feel calmer since I left my house.  This whole process has really been a lot less anxiety provoking and emotional than I anticipated it would be.

I think my sense of peace exists because the move was the right move for me and also because I am used to feeling lost and dislocated so really being without a home does not feel foreign to me.  In fact, leaving my house has made me feel lighter both emotionally and physically.  I do not feel tied down the way I have felt since Mike died.

I am actively looking for a house to purchase, but even this process is not causing me anxiety.  I trust that I will find a wonderful new home that suits me.  I am enjoying the sense of calm and peace that has washed over me since moving from my house.  This is the beginning of a new start for me and it is long overdue.  I have wanted to spread my wings for such a long time; and, now, finally, the time has come for me to soar.  I am so excited to begin my new life.

 

~Staci

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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