in the deep waters of the Pacific The mystery of dark blue-black ocean water is enticing and hypnotic—it pulls me in. The ocean’s power reminds me of grief. My Love, you were with me as I spent my birthday on the rough waters of the sea with thousands of these creatures beneath, before, and […]
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Humdrum and Bittersweet
Image by Robin Lyon on Unsplash As I reflect on what to write about this weekend – which is what I do when nothing immediately springs out at me – it’s about how used I have become to having complexity in my life. Sometimes I get to the end of the day when I journal […]
Reflecting on my April
Like everyone’s favorite Justin Timberlake meme, It’s Gonna Be May. Technically, it’s May 2nd but you know what I mean. And if it’s May, then that means I did it. I made it through April. Feels like there is a lot to reflect on over the last 30 days. I relived his last days and […]
The Inner Struggle
Sundays are my writing days here. Sometimes, on a Sunday, I get up and make my coffee, and sit down to write, and the words just flow. I know what I want to say, and I write it, and all is well in widow blog-land. Then there are days like today. Theres nothing I have […]
The Grief Cap
“Can I buy you a new cap?” “No thank you.” “Can you afford a new cap?” “Yes I can. Thank you.” “Do you know people might judge you because of how your cap looks?” “I like the worn look. It represents my well-lived life. Thank you for your concern.” “Do you know you look homeless […]
Living on the Edge
Just the other day I was telling Robyn that I could not think of a subject for my blog piece this week. I then stopped to consider what a prominent feature of my week writing this entry has become for me. It is a time-consuming endeavor. It also takes a fair amount of discipline to […]
My Love . . .
. . . as you know, today is my birthday This is seventy. I’ll be back here after my whaling day. Hoping to see signs of you, but even if I do not . . . I know you are near. I know you are always near. Will be back here to update later this […]
Birthdays and Earth Days
Main image by Casey Horner on Unsplash. Other pictures my own, unless stated I don’t know why it is, but I have always felt I have disproportionately more Aries, Taurus and Gemini friends than from other parts of the year. Even if my childhood bestie was none of these. Nor was Mike. But in terms […]
Grief Is
This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the road ahead is counted in years instead of the grains of time, but time will tell. […]
Boxes and Bags and Piles, Oh My!
So my parents are moving on Tuesday. For the past almost decade, I have either lived in their house with them (before getting my own apartment with Nick, and then, now, our own house), or they have been less than 10 minutes away. I could just “drop by” mom and dads, which happened often, and […]
From My Present to My Past
Dear Bryan, I’m imagining today that I am able to write to you in our past to give you a glimmer of hope. Where you are at the start of this widowed journey is not where you are forever trapped. I’ll be honest with you and say that there will be tough days, months and […]
Return to Therapy
Tomorrow I will be returning to therapy after several months “off”. It feels like good timing, but I wonder how it will be different this time around. I started going to therapy shortly after Boris was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for the first time, in June 2017. We also saw a couples therapist for several […]