. . . he is missing
It began in 2001 when Christmas tree lover, Danielle, was living in a college dorm and needed help to get a Christmas tree for her home away from home. Of course, she called her dad, and so the tradition began.
The conversation about “when” would begin during Thanksgiving dinner and the “help with picking up the tree” eventually ended up as helping to decorate the tree, helping to pick up and decorate the tree in her shared home with Jake, helping to decorate the tree with baby number one, Abigail, and then helping to decorate the tree with baby number two, Elijah.
What might have been thought of on some level, but not focused on in advance, was last year when Dan was too ill to go to San Diego to decorate the tree.
What became inevitable in the last year, culminating on April 15, 2021, was a precious tradition and memory-making event that is viewed now in photos since he can only view it from afar.
There are so many times as parents of a large, creative and active family that Dan and I would divide and conquer; him taking one role in a situation and I serving in another. This was not one of those times. The tree decorating grew into a tradition organically and it was one that Dan prided himself in carrying on his own. Precious to both father and daughter, and growing in fondness as each member of her little family came into being, it was (as we say) “a thing.” An important yearly event.
There is a hole in this year’s tree trimming event.
There is a hole in this year’s tree trimming event.
His absence is palpable in so many places but it is uniquely absent in this precious tradition.
And it hurts.
As with the many “firsts” we are experiencing without Dan this year, we continue to make our way through step by step—no map.
We are just doing our best to keep living even as we pause for times that overwhelm us.
Along the way, LOVE lives on through our words and memories
We gathered for Thanksgiving. We sang the songs we loved to sing with him, and about him, and some of them made us cry. We cooked the things. Ate the things, many which he loved. We laughed & cried.
Keeping an eye out for tiny visitations and signs
I am not eager to create new beginnings at this time in all the places he is missed. Even if I was, this tradition is not mine to amend.
I cannot read the future, but even just to continue to decorate honors twenty years of decorating memories.
However, I am keen on keeping an eye out for him as I continue to live my life. Watching for signs of him and talking with him regularly. Even asking for his help to make some of these things just a bit easier.
please show yourself here, babe, where your sweet daughter will be sorely missing you.
[ little tree ]
e.e. cummings, 1920
i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don’t be afraid
look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,
put up your little arms
and i’ll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won’t be a single place dark or unhappy
