I am very open about my life, my grief journey, my faults and my growth. This week I hesitated to talk about something because I was very scared. I had to go to the doctor for something I noticed a while back that had changed. I should have gone to the doctor sooner but I just ignored it. I have had an amazing year of positivity and growth. I’ll love Clayton forever but I have evolved and found love again with an amazing man and it all feels right. I haven’t been able to lay Clayton’s ashes to rest but I have been able to release his soul so both of us can follow our new paths. I know in my heart that we will meet again wherever and whenever the universe plans my arrival to my lost ones.

A checkup at the doctor’s 4 days ago brought up the word cancer and my heart sunk. I had just found so much joy after so much pain. Why now?

“Dear Universe, I know I’m just one person on this planet and you don’t need to do anything for me but haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I given enough in my loss and in my sharing for others? I just found healing and happiness. Please don’t take it away.”

The doctor examined me and the diagnosis was a relief but surgery sooner rather than later was a better option. So yesterday I had surgery to remove something. I sat in pre-op with an IV and a blanket. I was surrounded by sterile equipment, the sounds of heart monitors and the smell of a hospital. Clayton had a sudden illness and needed to get diagnosis quickly and here I was. All of the flashbacks rushed through me. I grabbed the bars of the bed and told myself that this was very different. I knew I’d be fine after surgery. My fear wasn’t the pain and healing process. My fear was not waking up and leaving others behind.

I know that someday will be my last day. Eventually this Earth will have to give me up. Regardless of how hard gravity tries to hold my soul, it has no power when I leave this body. I fought back the tears.

“Dear Universe, there are too many people on this Earth that are being held down by grief’s gravity. I never want to be the giver of grief to others. My family and my partner deserve years of calm and comfort so please let them keep me longer.”

I took in deep breaths from the mask and fell to sleep. Two outcomes, I’d wake up to love or move on to my lost loved ones. Either way, I wouldn’t be in the one space I fear the most – alone. As soon as I closed my eyes, I opened them again. Everything done, the doctor was happy and I was still here which tells me that I have more to accomplish on this Earth.

I hesitated to tell you this story but I realize, yet again, that my widowed journey and openness about my grief is being used by something greater in order to help others. I thought yesterday was just the removal of something physical that wasn’t serving me but that was just the setup for the real removal of my false belief in fear and loneliness. So for anyone who needs these words today, I openly share my scare…