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Sharing My Scare

Posted on: December 11, 2021 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I am very open about my life, my grief journey, my faults and my growth. This week I hesitated to talk about something because I was very scared. I had to go to the doctor for something I noticed a while back that had changed. I should have gone to the doctor sooner but I just ignored it. I have had an amazing year of positivity and growth. I’ll love Clayton forever but I have evolved and found love again with an amazing man and it all feels right. I haven’t been able to lay Clayton’s ashes to rest but I have been able to release his soul so both of us can follow our new paths. I know in my heart that we will meet again wherever and whenever the universe plans my arrival to my lost ones.

A checkup at the doctor’s 4 days ago brought up the word cancer and my heart sunk. I had just found so much joy after so much pain. Why now?

“Dear Universe, I know I’m just one person on this planet and you don’t need to do anything for me but haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I given enough in my loss and in my sharing for others? I just found healing and happiness. Please don’t take it away.”

The doctor examined me and the diagnosis was a relief but surgery sooner rather than later was a better option. So yesterday I had surgery to remove something. I sat in pre-op with an IV and a blanket. I was surrounded by sterile equipment, the sounds of heart monitors and the smell of a hospital. Clayton had a sudden illness and needed to get diagnosis quickly and here I was. All of the flashbacks rushed through me. I grabbed the bars of the bed and told myself that this was very different. I knew I’d be fine after surgery. My fear wasn’t the pain and healing process. My fear was not waking up and leaving others behind.

I know that someday will be my last day. Eventually this Earth will have to give me up. Regardless of how hard gravity tries to hold my soul, it has no power when I leave this body. I fought back the tears.

“Dear Universe, there are too many people on this Earth that are being held down by grief’s gravity. I never want to be the giver of grief to others. My family and my partner deserve years of calm and comfort so please let them keep me longer.”

I took in deep breaths from the mask and fell to sleep. Two outcomes, I’d wake up to love or move on to my lost loved ones. Either way, I wouldn’t be in the one space I fear the most – alone. As soon as I closed my eyes, I opened them again. Everything done, the doctor was happy and I was still here which tells me that I have more to accomplish on this Earth.

I hesitated to tell you this story but I realize, yet again, that my widowed journey and openness about my grief is being used by something greater in order to help others. I thought yesterday was just the removal of something physical that wasn’t serving me but that was just the setup for the real removal of my false belief in fear and loneliness. So for anyone who needs these words today, I openly share my scare…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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