Friday was Dave’s birthday. He would’ve been 41. I met him nearly 20 years ago. These three facts feel impossible. The day I met him feels like yesterday. I will always think of him as the 23 year old I first met. And his birthday keeps showing up to remind me that I’ll soon be older than he ever got to be. He was a sweet, chubby baby. His aunt…
young widow
Capturing our Stories
Today I read a beautiful article that really got me thinking. During a commercial photo shoot for a show on the Oprah Network – near the end of the shoot – one of the actors requested the photographer to take a few more shots for him. As he stepped back onto the backdrop, the actor began to sob. The photographer captured about a dozen or so shots…
Talking to the Echo
There is a space where my husband’s voice once lived, a big empty hole that sits in the center of my hours, my days, my years. It mocks me by following me wherever I go, And it feeds off of it’s own nothingness, Sipping on the hollow void, A cruel silence where there used to be sound.It follows me everywhere, But it is most cruel whenever I try…
Day by Day
I’m often still taken by surprise when being able to do some tasks are often a day by day proposition. Mostly these are tasks to do with Ian, but not always. Often this freeze is not so much in the sense of having a ‘bad’ day, but just a day of not wanting to go there. Just prior to Christmas I was working on swapping which rooms are used for…
My Home
I live in a wonderful city now. I’ve become more and more comfortable here. I like the weirdness, the outdoorsy-ness, the coffee shops, the rampant recycling and composting and organic gardening. I like the dogs and the green of the woods and the mist hanging in the west hills. I like the bridges and the dragon boats on the river. I like the…
The Blindside
I’ve been in a clay workshop for the past few days, and its mostly been a heck of a lotta fun. Each say we have worked with a different teacher, making sculptures, dinnerware, decorated tiles, and learning alternative techniques for firing clay (examples in the picture above!) It’s been a whirlwind of new and exciting creative ideas for me,…
Feel
Though I love to come here to share my thoughts, experiences and words, there are moments that I come across things that speak so poignantly that it must be given the space to spread to those who deserve to hear it. This letter is one I found this evening that I know so many who have lost, struggled, hurt and suffered, should read. Written by a…
Lighthouse
I got an email today that made my heart do a little dance. It was from a fellow widow friend of mine, whom I’ve only met online, and who also happens to be a therapist. This was what her email said: “I was with a client yesterday, and I asked her where she has found support online. She sighed and then said, ‘Well, most of the stuff is useless. But…
Suicide Widow
I am filling in for Amanda today. The current heat wave has knocked out her power! Amanda stay cool (get it?!) and I will try to stay warm! Recently I have had a lot of suicide widows reach out to me on Widow’s Voice and facebook. “I have no one to talk to, I have no one that gets it. I can’t talk about the suicide to my friends or…
Bridget Jones
I’m on my annual extended-family vacation this week and the Australian summer vacation period is a big time for relaxing with a book (or ten). So I’ve opted to publish a review of the third Bridget Jones instalment that I wrote on my personal blog in October. It was written for a non-widow audience, so is preaching to the converted…
Terrible Relief
Kelley’s post got me thinking. My knee jerk reaction was: what’s wrong with me that I parted with my wedding ring months after Dave died? What’s wrong with me that I don’t long to wear it? How did I let go of that ring? I measured the devotion I had by the way I dealt with my grief. Never helpful. Everyone grieves differently. For a moment I…
Turning Pain into Love
In 2012, when his death was so fresh, I needed to talk. About the pain, the fear, the agony, the anger, the loss, the accident, the future we will not have, the children we won’t raise, the wedding we won’t share… all of it. I wanted to crawl out of my skin with all the pain. I talked and cried almost every single day to someone about my pain. I…