Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent. ~Mignon McLaughlin It’s a new year and, with that, I’d like to rewind to the beginning years of Michael’s death. I dreaded a new year. One in which he hadn’t lived. He hadn’t existed. A year in which I couldn’t even refer to the year before of him being…
young widow
Hope
It’s Gone
The following was written in my personal blog just a few days ago, so those of you who may follow my writing over there, may have already read this. Really wanted to post a shorter version here too, though – because I know that so many of you can relate to the devastation and feelings that this brings up. Nothing has changed. Nothing has been…
Happy
It’s been a long time since I could say without hesitation “I feel happy”. In the time since Dave died, I’ve laughed and enjoyed myself, but always I felt that underlying layer of sadness and shock that dampened everything. It made even laughter a bittersweet act. How could I laugh when he was gone? Lately, though, I’ve felt happy. Not tinged with…
Taking Chances on Life
I’ve had a particularly hard couple of weeks lately. Not only has there been Christmas and the 18 month mark since he died, but throw in a trip to Dallas where we lived together, his younger brother graduating from college, my idiotic attempt to start a pretty strict new diet and workout regimen (beginning a week before Thanksgiving, really…
8
12.23.13 Today marks 8. 8 years since the most remarkable man chose me to spend the rest of his life with….and he did…if only for a year and a half in flesh. I prepped the night before…jotting down what great deeds I would do, not only in commemoration of this special day, but the people and universe that surround and house the spirit and…
The Path
Things are softening. Memories that used to have razor edges that sliced me from the inside are hazier and the edges don’t leave as much damage as they used to. Talking about him often results in a smile almost as much as tears. Most of the time it’s both. And the tears are a bittersweet love story not a fathomless depth of blackness. The idea…
I Knew When….
I knew when I decided to love you fully, with all of my cells that I was risking everything. I knew you were human and that you might die younger than either of us wanted. Despite this, I still chose to love all of you with all of me. Because you deserved that and because I did too. And though you did die – …
built
“A song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in you or the world, that one song stays the same, just like that moment. Which is pretty amazing, when you actually think about it.” -Sarah DessenThis Monday will mark our 8 year wedding anniversary. As I’ve said over the years, I’ve…
Sick
So, I was feeling really really strong after feeling not so strong. And then I got a stomach bug. And after a week of being stuck at home, semi-helpless, I felt my anxiety creep back in. I don’t get a little bug and just think “Oh, I’ll be fine. It’s just a bug,” I think “I might be just a little sick, or…I might be very sick and will have to go…
Where We’re Going
He died on a Tuesday. I can still remember screaming those animal sounds into the phone, tones I’d never heard come out of myself. Deep, guttural defiances… yelled at his dad on the other end of the line – every cell of me rejecting the words from his broken voice, “No baby, he’s not okay…” The room is spinning. I remember flashes only. I…
Compare
“We envy others, for we see their lives in broad outline, while forced to live ours in every detail.” — Robert Brault I’m leading a weekend with a group of widows for our organization and there was one commonality within the group:All had felt that their life, choices, look, path was less than when they compared it to others. Even more so,…
Infusion
Oh, it’s back. Some of my previous silliness, joy and ease is back. Sleeping and I are friends again, but it’s a tentative relationship. We’re afraid to like each other too much, lest we get too attached. But it’s working for now. And for that I am so grateful I want to throw a party. I’m eating TOO well, and I’m exercising and working more without…