After hitting the 3 year mark on Saturday, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Grief never really leaves, but I think the experience alone in a new place, along with the fear that I might have the baby before I got to properly grieve and get through the week left me scared and hurting in new and different ways. But, like…
young widow
Power
In my experience front loading washing machines are pieces of shit. The one I inherited from the previous homeowners was leaking water from the door the other day (obviously). When are these things not being problems? Maybe it was my recent return to single-land or maybe it was my stubborn streak, but I decided I would NOT hire someone (most…
Saying Goodbye.. Again
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my dog being diagnosed with cancer (I wrote about it here) Tuesday, the day after my birthday I had to kill put my best friend to sleep. I am in shock. I am devastated. Three weeks after his diagnoses he went from being fine to not eating and his eyes rolling back in his head. Nine years and one day after my…
Pain
“Which do you want: the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?”- Judith LasaterI know that pain is inevitable. In a way, it is something to be looked forward to. But, damn, it still hurts. Causes stress. Doubt. Fear. But like building muscles, we must first be broken down to have the ability to come back…
When words are not enough
This Saturday marks 3 years since Jeremy took his last breath. How can that possibly be? Every year, I am in awe of how crazy it seems that so much time has passed, and yet how far away it seems when so much life has been lived in between. I have truly experienced more in the past 3 years than most people do in a lifetime. Since Jer died, I’ve…
Does my bum look big in this?*
This post is going to sound like an underhanded grab for compliments ….. but bear with me, it does relate to being widowed and it does ask a genuine question…. I took this selfie this morning on the way to work. We had a special breakfast in celebration of the Melbourne Cup – the race that stops the nation. (Trust me – it’s a BIG DEAL…
Remind Me Again
I’ve been scary sad in the past few weeks. The kind of sad that feels impossible to withstand for one more second, that tears through me and sounds more like a scream than a sob, that makes me afraid to be alone, that makes me want to give up. I think I’ve just felt too much pain to keep up the charade anymore. It wasn’t that recent events were…
Faith
When he died, my faith died. Faith in a god, life, living… There was only one thing I wanted to believe, that he’d come back home. When that didn’t come to fruition, it was believing that life would end shortly thereafter. It didn’t. Nothing changed. It wouldn’t change until I started believing.Believing that I could survive. That I should…
In Between
JERRY: You rented ‘Home Alone?’ GEORGE: Yeah. Do you mind if I watch it here? JERRY: What for? GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment, I feel like Im not DOING anything. If I watch it here, Im out of the house. Im DOING something. – Seinfeld Today is a nothing day. Nothing important. Well, today is Halloween. By the time you read this,…
Goodbyes
“I hate goodbyes” Every time Dave and I would say goodbye for more than a day or so, we’d reenact this scene from Dumb and Dumber. I’m in the disorienting world of goodbyes again as I navigate the end to the first real relationship I’ve attempted since Dave died. Fortunately I have the most amazing friends who have helped keep me afloat but the…
Load
It was one day after the one year mark of losing him. I was on a plane to Spain. One backpack in tow. Two sets of clothes. Euros. Some photos. My feet. 225 miles to hike on unknown terrain that had no map, but seashells in the ground as markers or random arrows painted on tree trunks. But before that flight and the pilgrimage, came the…
Chicken Soup
There is nothing that will make you feel quite as tiny and insignificant in the universe as when you are completely alone in a room, choking. Nothing drives home the very smallness and randomness of your purpose here on Earth, than almost being taken out by some chicken noodle soup. Yup. You heard me. You read that correctly. On Monday, October…