on april 16th, i flew to the island of oahu with madeline. we were there to celebrate the wedding of one of liz’s best friends in the whole wide world, maleeda.all of her best friends from college were there. i was honored to be invited, but i anticipated it being a tough trip. we arrived and i was instantly transported back in time. i had been…
widowhood and grief triggers
a year
a year? yes. a year. what a difference a year doesn’t make. or does it?march 24 and march 25. one year later. but a year, a year is nothing. it’s a second. no. it’s a minute. or maybe it’s an hour. doesn’t matter. we continue doing what we need to do. every second of every day. but march 26? it’s the same as january 29 or august 5 of…
Forty Years Ago Today
Forty years ago today you were born. I think angels must have been singing (or at least giggling) when they bestowed that gift on your parents. If only they’d known what trouble you would get into…they might have been better prepared! :)You: cracked open your brother’s head with a hoe (earned him a few stitches), pinched the dog’s nose with a…
lost and found
I often can’t help but thinking that I have mourned each facet of the loss of my love at least once. Each sad thought, each emotion explored or mulled over for its’ initial contemplation. I feel that often times, I am going over previously pondered thoughts and ruminating. Picking apart and reassembling.When I find a grief spot that I had not…
passport
been sort of dreading this day. have to get madeline a passport for our upcoming trip to the banff.excited that my 3.5 month-old baby will have a passport and will be traveling outside the country. also really excited about the trip, but i’ve found that dealing with government institutions is less than thrilling since liz died. applying for a…
What I Can Do
From the minute I was told that Phil was dead I have been tortured by things I could not do. Initially, the fact that no amount of hoping, denying, praying, or screaming was going to bring him back to life haunted my days. I was obsessed with the idea that the world would be whole again only when someone with a magic wand brought me back my…
Rebuilding
My family began battling cancer in 2003 when my mother-in-law was diagnosed with colon cancer. Five years later my wife, who was pregnant with our third child, was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. Despite a valiant fight, cancer claimed the life of mother-in-law on April 18th and of my wife on July 23rd. I am now raising three girls all…
Flashbacks
Phil died a violent death. Though my brain acknowledges this fact, I have tried to shield my heart from the reality of his final moments. I am not a person who ever felt compelled to explore the details of the exact location of his body on the pavement, or the number of seconds it took the driver to pull over after the accident. My imagination…
In the Box
So a little story… a story I love to tell 🙂 It was February 12th, 2009, and I decided to do something I had given up after Michael’s passing…create homemade Valentine’s Day cards. Making cards was one of my favorite things and with it being a dismal part of the year, I was secretly hoping it would lift my spirits. Michael used to love…
pocket dialing
happy 10-week birthday. monday was the day that my perfect baby transformed into little miss fuss. she cried almost the entire day.the only thing that stopped the crying was to hold her. she’s got so much of her mom in her. liz’s parents used to tell this story about liz as a kid, sitting on a swing (more than capable of propelling…
Presumed Dead
I have an internal panic switch which is automatically activated whenever anyone I love, know, am briefly acquainted with, or maybe even have only heard about on the evening news is not where they are supposed to be. Any and all types of missing people are presumed dead, by me, immediately. I have an internal panic switch which is automatically…
no tears
while friend johnny utah was out for a run (obviously he is crazy), maddie and I started walking toward the playground. saw a mom, a dad.each one holding an arm counting to three swinging their daughter, daughter laughing hysterically. how does a single father bring that kind of joy? i could try it with one arm, but that would look terrible to…