There are many challenges associated with grief and loss that I expected, but I didn’t expect this one. On Lisa’s birthday, I found myself thinking about her and thinking about us. As I reflected, I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about her as often. I wouldn’t say it’s been a long while, but in terms of the time between reflections I…
widowhood and grief triggers
mirrors.
i was looking for something else, but i found two mirrors, buried in bags, buried in boxes, buried in a garage.buried. one, part of a fold-up hairbrush. the other, a compact to check her makeup. i found the compact first. i don’t think i’d ever seen it before. i held it. i closed my eyes. slowly. slowly. slowly. i opened it. i opened them. i saw…
Anniversary Gift
I am quickly approaching what would be my second wedding anniversary. Can I see a raise of hands as to who thinks this might be a difficult time for me? A no brainer, right?I have come to have a really negative visceral reaction to the word anniversary. It is a sad reality, but I like other young widowed people, missed out on a lot of things that…
a list.
otherwise perfect, this moment became something wholly unexpected when the words drifted from her lips. well, i shouldn’t say that it was wholly unexpected, but the timing most certainly was.the question brought me back in a way that usually only my memory can. “remember what we talked about that one time?” that’s what changed the moment. and…
There Will Always Be ….
…. set backs. I know that’s a given. Life is full of set backs. Everyone’s life, not just mine. Or yours. So why is it then, that when I am hit with one of them …. I’m surprised?Last week was a set back. One huge, hairy set back. It started the moment I arrived home from a trip and continued on through Sunday (and is even bleeding a little…
And So It Goes ….. and goes and goes and goes
This thing called grief. I just got back from a fantastic trip to Germany. I was with a group of 46 other people and we toured around for nearly 2 weeks. It was my first trip “alone”. I’ve gone on trips with the kids or with friends, but I went by myself on this one. I stayed by myself in all of the hotels.Most of the other 46 people were…
nothing.
i don’t throw things away. the meaningful, the meaningless, everything is somewhere. in my house. in my garage.tucked away in places i don’t remember, to be found at times i don’t expect to find them. i found a memory a few weeks ago. it was nothing, really. just something i held on to just in case… i can’t believe i kept it in the first place,…
something small.
i just found it the other day, still attached to a belt loop on an old pair of jeans.it was part of me everyday for two weeks, that simple metal object, it held on to the things that meant so much to her in life and will mean so much to her daughter when she’s old enough to appreciate them. i tried to put the jeans on, leaving the safety pin where…
stuffing
I’ve been stuffing. I don’t mean putting bread and spices into a turkey’s nether regions. I mean my emotions. It’s been too painful to deal with this loss. I avoid Jeff’s photos. I redirect my thoughts. I do things that seem to take the pain away for a moment. When I talk of the loss of Jeff, I refuse to feel the sadness. I push it down. I turn…
THE Valley ….
…. you know the one. I think that most people, even those who are “non-religious”, are familiar with its name. It’s the big-daddy of them all. The Valley of the Shadow of Death. It’s mentioned in the Bible and has been referenced in countless books, movies, TV shows, etc.It’s been on my mind a lot lately. You see, I never really knew what it was…
Keep standing
Tonight, I took Liv to a meeting. It just so happened to be at a place that I haven’t been to in 19 months and 12 days. The place Liv was baptised. The place we were married. The place Jeff’s funeral was held. I didn’t think it would affect me much. I thought I had grown stronger and more resilient. I knew it would sting a bit, but I hadn’t…
another anniversary.
on august 11th the goodmans arrived for our third annual trip to celebrate my wedding anniversary.while we waited for them to arrive i watched maddy try to drive my car, play with some bamboo sticks, and pick the flowers in our yard. as she played i thought about liz and the fact that i had two wedding anniversaries with her, and now three…