on august 11th
the goodmans arrived
for our third
annual trip to celebrate
my wedding anniversary.
while we waited
for them to arrive
i watched maddy
try to drive
my car,
play with some
bamboo sticks,
and pick the flowers
in our yard.
as she played
i thought about
liz
and the fact
that i had two
wedding anniversaries with
her, and now
three without her.
it just didn’t
seem possible.
there was our child
playing in the yard,
just as
liz
pictured it.
fuck.
***
the next day
we were all on
our way to central california.
maddy entertained
us the entire way
her new favorite thing?
to hear stories
with her as the
main character.
we all laughed
our asses off
as she would yell,
“talk about the maddy”
at the end of
each story.
grandma candee and
grandpa tom tell me
that this is
in the genes…
liz
used to sit on
a swing, yelling,
“somebody push me!”
let me translate both
phrases for you.
“pay attention to me!”
i love to see
those personality traits
coming through, even
though the only
time they had
time together was
while maddy was in
the womb.
along the way,
we made an
unplanned stop.
as soon as we
turned into the
lookout point,
i recognized the place…
we had been
here a few years earlier.
almost exactly four
years ago.
i had just returned
from india,
just in time for
our first wedding anniversary.
and we headed up
to the santa ynez valley
to visit the wineries.
along the way,
we had stopped here.
in this very place.
instantly recalled from
the depths of
my mind,
the photo of
liz.
double fuck.
we were parked
and we took some photos.
soon we were
back in the car
and on our way,
but i couldn’t
help but think of
that time
four years earlier.
i just wish i could
remember more of it.