on august 11th

the goodmans arrived

for our third

annual trip to celebrate

my wedding anniversary.

while we waited

for them to arrive

i watched maddy

try to drive

my car,

play with some

bamboo sticks,

 

and pick the flowers

in our yard.

as she played

i thought about

liz

and the fact

that i had two

wedding anniversaries with

her, and now

three without her.

it just didn’t

seem possible.

there was our child

playing in the yard,

just as

liz

pictured it.

fuck.

***

the next day

we were all on

our way to central california.

maddy entertained

us the entire way

her new favorite thing?

to hear stories

with her as the

main character.

we all laughed

our asses off

as she would yell,

“talk about the maddy”

at the end of

each story.

grandma candee and

grandpa tom tell me

that this is

in the genes…

liz

used to sit on

a swing, yelling,

“somebody push me!”

let me translate both

phrases for you.

“pay attention to me!”

i love to see

those personality traits

coming through, even

though the only

time they had

time together was

while maddy was in

the womb.

along the way,

we made an

unplanned stop.

as soon as we

turned into the

lookout point,

i recognized the place…

we had been

here a few years earlier.

almost exactly four

years ago.

i had just returned

from india,

just in time for

our first wedding anniversary.

and we headed up

to the santa ynez valley

to visit the wineries.

along the way,

we had stopped here.

in this very place.

instantly recalled from

the depths of

my mind,

the photo of

liz.

double fuck.

we were parked

and we took some photos.

soon we were

back in the car

and on our way,

but i couldn’t

help but think of

that time

four years earlier.

i just wish i could

remember more of it.