…. is something I should be used to by now. I’m not. I am in Alaska this week. This is my second visit. The first time was back in 2007 …. with Jim and the Sons. It was to be our last family vacation. Ever. Jim died 6 months later.My brother lives here and I came to be his “nurse” after he has back surgery today. (I’m not sure why anyone would…
widowhood and grief triggers
Not Okay
I remember using the words “not okay” with Grayson when he was little to teach him that something was wrong. I’m not sure why we used “not okay” instead of “bad” or “wrong” – but I’m sure it was in tune with the current kinder gentler way of teaching kids right from wrong. For whatever reason the phrase has stuck with me, and I’ve used it since…
“It Can’t Take Away What You’ve Lost ….
Jim and me …. at the huge surprise party he managed to truly pull off, for my 40th. … but it is something.” The above title and sentence was a line from last night’s episode of “E.R.”.* It stopped me …… I literally stopped and stared at the screen. And no, it wasn’t because it was George Clooney who said it. He was playing his…
730 Days
Written on April 15, 2011 729 days and 22 hours ago… we were dancing in his room. We were drinking beer, watching American Idol and eating. I can’t remember what. We were laughing together, his sister, his best childhood friend, my friend and I. And then one of us would look at him, and cry. I tried to forget all of…
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water …..
… another wave comes and smacks you from behind ….. I love the ocean. Always have. Jim did, too. We were a “beach family”. Loved taking vacations to a beach …. any beach. Even the one in Galveston ….. where the word “beach” has a whole different definition. But hey, when it’s the only beach you have within an hour’s drive or so,…
3 years
This morning will mark three years since I’ve held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours. My life doesn’t stop today as it did three years ago….although I partially wish it would. There are appointments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.I’d like to lay in my bed and think of only you. To keen…
Ghost of Art
I read one of his journals today. I read it because I sold our bed, in three hours. I had to empty out his bedside table (they went too) before the guy came to pick it up.Later, as I try to decide where a mattress on a floor would look best, in MY room, I get side tracked and sift through the box of stuff from the bedside tables. I sit down, pick…
still?
I was asked yesterday how Jeff died. I am often able to tell the awful tale involving the screams, the CPR in the parking lot and the confusion of two little ones without flinching or crying. It is now just regurgitated information that I have been required to tell so many times that I think I could tell it in my sleep. But there is one part of the…
Still A Toddler
Well, it’s Sunday night, and I just realized I needed to get to writing my Monday post. I have kept very busy today with home improvement projects. And, because of Spring being at my door, I have been miserable with allergies. I seem to be popping Benadryl all day long, as if they were breath mints, which is likely why I have been so drowsy all day…
The Spot
Phil was on his way to this trail head on the day he died. He left home around five thirty on a summer evening in August, and I got a phone call from a witness of the accident that took his life thirty minutes later. Somehow that trip to get to my husband’s side is burned into my memory in a way that other moments from that time are not.Five years…
I Will …
The “Tired” post now has 35 comments. The last time I got almost that many comments was on April 13, 2009. Three days before Art died. This post read… —– They told me to bring the kids in. They told me to bring the kids in. It’s over and I, I, I just …. I feel nothing.The hardest part about this… No wait, the right now hardest part…
This Time ….
…. I chose it. Yep, this time I chose grief. Although, in my defense ….. I really didn’t know I’d be experiencing grief. I thought it might be more cut and dried ….. but considering the amount of tears I’ve shed since Friday, it’s anything but dried. I ended our relationship. We ended our relationship. I instigated the “talk”, but it was…