been sort of
dreading this day.
have to get madeline
a passport for our
upcoming trip to the banff.
excited that my
3.5 month-old baby
will have a passport
and will be traveling
outside the country.
also really excited
about the trip,
but i’ve found that
dealing with government
institutions is less than
thrilling since
liz
died.
applying for a passport
for a minor shouldn’t
be an issue.
the rules dictate that
both parents must be physically
present for a passport
application to be filed.
for most families,
this is likely just
an extreme inconvenience,
trying to find a time
when both parents
can meet in the same place,
to focus on the same objective,
at the same time.
but for me,
it’s a process that creates
an extreme amount of anxiety.
anxious about walking
into the passport
office with
madeline’s birth certificate,
social security card.
and, um, her mother’s
death certificate,
anxious about explaining
why i’m alone.
anxious about trying to
convince the people
in the office
that i’m not trying to
obtain a passport
in order to
kidnap my child,
and take her out
of the country.
anxious about talking
to another unflinchingly cold
government employee.
anxious about dealing with
another bureaucratic nightmare.
shit.
maybe i’m worrying about
this a little too much?
let’s just go.
it can’t be
that bad.
packed up madeline
and headed to the glendale.
found the passport office
and sat down
with all my paperwork,
filling in everything
but the boxes
asking for madeline’s
hair color
(sort of blond, sort of bald…how do i answer that one?)
and the ones
specific to
liz.
no box to check
for “deceased.”
just gonna have to
rely on the rather
colorful-looking
death certificate
to help the woman
behind the counter understand
my situation.
nervously walked up
to the counter
and said,
“i need to apply for a passport for my baby”
she looked me
up and down,
(yes, i look like an unshowered scumbag in need of haircut, but seriously…)
then leaned over the counter,
through the open glass,
staring down at madeline.
then her eyes shot
back to me.
“is the mother coming in?”
fuck.
here we go.
“no. she’s dead.”
she simply stared at me.
no reaction.
after a very uncomfortable
few seconds that found
another seemingly heartless
government worker
winning yet another
staring contest with me
(seriously…do they train these people to be unresponsive robots?).
i said,
“i have a death certificate.”
“give it to me.”
she demanded.
so i did.
awesome.
let’s just get
this over with.
she looked everything
over and disappeared
with my documents.
back 5 mins later
and we’re done.
good…i’ve had
enough for one day.