while friend johnny utah 

was out for a run (obviously he is crazy),

maddie and I started walking toward

the playground.

saw a mom, a dad.

each one holding an arm

counting to three

swinging their daughter,

daughter laughing

hysterically.

how does a single father

bring that kind

of joy?

i could try it with

one arm, but

that would look terrible

to passers by, and

would likely leave madeline 

with only one working arm.

(decided against that, too. i’m really using good judgement today).

made a phone call to someone

’cause i was missing 

liz 

and was more than 

a little sad

watching all these moms and dads

hanging out with their kids.

decided that i really needed

to go to a place

where there are no

families. no kids.

discussed an escape 

plan with johnny utah…

called rhonda to take her up 

on her offer to

watch madeline for the afternoon.

wow.

a great idea.

no families.

no kids.

but lots of memories.

in early 2006

we were there with a 

big group of folks

to say goodbye to me

as i left my everything

behind to head to

the india for 6 months.

liz

organized the party,

ordering pitchers of “death margaritas” 

for everyone.

great memories of this

place.

hard to walk in there

though without

liz.

with johnny utah by my side

we went in

walking past the place

where

liz

and i had so much fun,

made it home around 11:00,

kissed madeline twice

and went to sleep.

too many thoughts of 

liz.

realized that today

was the first day

i didn’t cry.

(and i feel really, really sad about that).