My husband died less than one hour after being hit by a car on his bicycle. I arrived at the scene before the ambulance did, and stood at the foot of his bed in the emergency room as he took his last breath. I watched the color leave his face, and I recognized the moment when his spirit no longer inhabited his body. And I consider myself one of the…
widowhood and grief triggers
A Gift
photos
sunday night.2:00am.for the first time,just saw some photos of lizposted to flickr by anyaand i lost my shit.photos of liz(almost all taken by me)have brought melots of comfortover the past few weeks,but these were different.these photos were takenby someone elseduring happy timesthat i wasn’t a part of…her bachelorette party andvarious…
We Made It ….
Widowhood is a very, very long road but we made it past Thanksgiving, didn’t we? We may have not wanted to, it may have been yet another punch in the gut, it may have been less horrible than we anticipated …. but we did it.We all keep putting one foot in front of the other (most days) and as we walk we grow stronger and stronger. We don’t feel as…
musical memories
Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its’ melody.I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the…
Whose Name?
Whose name do I put on the school forms for the kids in the space where it says… In Case of Emergency? ——- The 11th day is 6.5 hours from being over. I am not dressed. I did not do my hair. I have not put on my contact lenses. I wear a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a long john shirt and a fleece. The plumber will just have to deal with it. I…
the dvr
there are odd things around the house that trigger memories of liz.on the refrigerator, behind some mismatched magnetsis a recipe with its accompanying ingredient/grocery listanda list of thingsto do around the housebefore a dinner partythrown long-ago, (all in her hand writing).one of theworst triggers isthe goddamned dvr.a source of…
When there are no thanks to be given
As any of us widows and widowers know, one of the most trying times of the Annual Widowed Calendar is upon us. It’s impossible to turn on the TV or walk into any store without having it crammed down our gagging, grieving throats: The holidays. That formerly joyous, happy, oblivious time of year where we got to focus on fun, holiday frivolity;…
Grasping at Control
It hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I want to change…. something; move the piano, cut my hair, paint the ceiling, rip everything off the shelves. Sell everything….today! Start over. I want my outside world to relfect my inside turmoil. The calmness that is slipping away, the trepidation, the impending emptiness that slowly lowers its vail and the…
Release
I am a teapot (minus the short and stout)…or should I say, a tea kettle.There are moments in my day, week, or month where the “pressure”/emotions inside of me become so overwhelming that they have to find some outlet to release all that is about to combust inside of my heart.Since I am unequipped with a whistling spout, in most cases it is…
five weeks
5 weeks agotoday.things were perfect.healthy, happy family.11 minutes after 3:00pmon that same day,my worldfell apart.since then,lots of sadness.lots of happiness.but mostly sadness.liz’sdeathhas reallyfucked me up.people keep asking,“how are you coping?”multiple answers:“i just am.”“by talking to people.”“the kindness of…
I Didn’t Sign Up For This …..
… but then, neither did you, right? It’s been one of those weeks … and it’s not even half way over yet! I am totally sick of being a single parent. I’m tired of having to do all of this on my own when I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing a lot of the time. Teenage boys?? That was supposed to be Jim’s job. I handled the girls and their…
Musical Monday
Much of the music that spoke to me right after Phil’s death was important because the lyrics articulated feelings I was incapable of expressing. Even now, after writing countless words about my journey through the loss of my husband, there are times when nothing communicates my inner turmoil like the phrases penned by someone else. When I first…