I’m feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim’s death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don’t want to go.I don’t want to be sad and I don’t want to feel like I have no energy. I don’t want to wish that I weren’t here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ….. and…
widowed suddenly
A Gift
My husband died less than one hour after being hit by a car on his bicycle. I arrived at the scene before the ambulance did, and stood at the foot of his bed in the emergency room as he took his last breath. I watched the color leave his face, and I recognized the moment when his spirit no longer inhabited his body. And I consider myself one of the…
I Believe in Fairy Tales
Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me.But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and…
photos
sunday night.2:00am.for the first time,just saw some photos of lizposted to flickr by anyaand i lost my shit.photos of liz(almost all taken by me)have brought melots of comfortover the past few weeks,but these were different.these photos were takenby someone elseduring happy timesthat i wasn’t a part of…her bachelorette party andvarious…
We Made It ….
Widowhood is a very, very long road but we made it past Thanksgiving, didn’t we? We may have not wanted to, it may have been yet another punch in the gut, it may have been less horrible than we anticipated …. but we did it.We all keep putting one foot in front of the other (most days) and as we walk we grow stronger and stronger. We don’t feel as…
You
I have the very distinct honor of leading a group of the most compassionate people I have ever met. Really. When I tell someone what I do for a living, I am generally met with a questioning look and an awkward silence. Since I don’t look like a widow 😉 the person across from me generally spends a few seconds trying to figure out WHY I am the…
Tough Month
“December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.” Mr. Twain hit the nail on the head with this quote, but December truly is a month that tests my perseverance more then the other 11 on the calendar.I think as widows/widowers there are times of the…
musical memories
Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its’ melody.I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the…
The Empty Seat Beside Me
Before Phil’s death, Thanksgiving Day was filled with gratitude for the gifts of the present. Then death changed my focus, and the past was were my heart longed to be.On my first widowed Thanksgiving Phil’s empty seat at the dinner table represented only my personal loss. Knowing he would never again sit bside me as we spoke aloud the things for…
Being Okay With Me
Last week was very difficult. More than one person took issue with the way I handled an issue or a choice, and one of the questionable decisions involved my opinion about the man who killed my husband. Finding out four years later that my choice was not appreciated hit me hard. And I found myself floundering in the abyss of grief once…
Thanksgiving
With the holidays upon us I started creating a list of things for our organization to make this time a more bearable one. I thought I’d share it with you all:The holidays have a way of magnifying our loss and can be a difficult and confusing time of year. “What to do? How to act? How to wake up and seize the day?” are just a few of the thoughts…
on the brighter side
In a bid to exercise positive thinking, I have borrowed an idea I read on another widow’s blog (unfortunately I can’t give the widow credit as I cannot, for the life of me, find were one of my midnight rambles through the blogosphere took me – If it was you, please let me know, so I can give you credit!) and list some of…