I recently had a scare over someone close to me dying again. It wasn’t even a true emergency, or anyone in fact having a close call by any means. But this wasn’t just anyone. This was one of my oldest friends and someone who has been a mother to me since my own mom died when I was nine. Now that both of my parents are gone, she is one of only a…
anxiety
The Fear of Taking New Risks
This past week, Mike wrote about how we are continuing a dream he and his late-wife Megan shared as we are looking into getting a camper next year. There were a lot of dreams I had with Drew that never came true too. Even just planning a wedding and spending time on every little detail was something I never got to do with him. Much less a wedding…
The E.R. and July
It is July right now, which means it is the countdown to “death day” once again. That day when I literally woke up, and my healthy, 46 yr old husband, had left for work, collapsed at work, been rushed by ambulance to the E.R., and, oh yeah – DIED. That day , July 13th, when I called a cab and then got into a cab – which I stll dont remember…
Random Widower Thoughts
Sometimes, okay, let’s be honest, more often than sometimes, it feels like the best part of my life is over. She is gone. She is gone. And, she is gone. However, at the same time It feels like this is the best part of my life because I get to raise a fantastic daughter. Even though I know that it would be so, so much better if Natasha…
The Imperfect Widow
The past month or two has been tough. This time of year usually is. It’s the time of year that led up to when Drew died. These months were some of the happiest in our relationship. He had just gotten his first job as a pilot and was finally living his dreams. We were beginning to look towards our future together, towards a wedding and a new…
When Things are Hard …
Things are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes I am convinced that life is much harder for some than for others. Sometimes it feels like I can never get a break. Sometimes it feels like I will always struggle and things will always be really hard, and that is just how my life will be. I dont know. None of this is fact. Just feelings. …
Grief’s Grip Again
Clearly, 4 ½ years is far too long to miss the love of your life since society continues to tell me not to miss my wife anymore. The thrust of the conversation is aimed at pushing me to stop talking about missing my wife and get over it! As a result, we all learn to judge our social environment carefully before bringing illness, longing and/or…
The Scariest Part of Surgery
This blog will be short because I had a lasik procedure this week and my eyes get tired quickly.I’ve never been one to be comfortable with eye stuff. I hate eye drops and the thought of contact lenses makes me cringe but I was so fed up with glasses that I decided to go through with the surgery and get it over with. As the day got closer, I got…
Space
Whenever my daughtyer and I sleep next to each other there is a space beside us. When I am getting Anisha ready for school there is a space next to us. When we sleep next to each other, there is a space next to us. When we have breakfast, lunch and dinner, there is a space next to us. When we walk to a playground, there is a space next to us.
Nice to Meet You
When your spouse has a long-term, terminal illness, it’s very easy to devote all of your attention to their well-being. I rationalized for years that there was quite literally nothing as bad as what Megan was going through, so anything regarding my own health or person was minimal. It wasn’t healthy in and of itself, but in the grand scheme…
Fragile Confidence
My daughter has a friend over for a playdate today and it has been a good introspective snapshot of where I am at. I keep thinking that I have all of this new confidence, but some remnants of the old me remain, like persistent weeds that always finds new tunnels to the surface. My daughter has a friend over for a playdate…
Socializing While Grieving
Seems like being a widower means adjusting my view of the world to an existence of being damaged, marred and/or scarred for the rest of my life. Life is now about managing the constant reminders of love lost. Maybe, just like my poor eyesight, my grief is becoming a deficit that I will have to carry forward as I am constantly reminded…