So the feelings are the same, just as intense but not as often and demanding. I miss Clayton every day but the immediate sting when the thoughts rush forward is milder with time. My eyes still water each day but there are more days of laughter than tears. The dust has settled and now I’m feeling unsettled. A year ago I feared I would have to move out of the apartment that Tin and I shared. People don’t realize that when you become a widow most often times your finances flip. Your household income drops but all the same responsibilities are there. We, the widowed, are billed for our loss. As if life isn’t taxing already.

In my state of self-preservation, I began a second job that has turned into a gift, a labor of love and a passion for helping others. My finances have stabilized and allowed me to find my footing in the shifting sands. There is no immediate threat to my daily survival. I have been able to take time to absorb my new normal and choose my new direction. I’m finding that my goals in life are beginning to change. The things that I held up in importance and as signs of a successful life are changing. I am growing.

 

So now I have caught myself looking at homes for sale online. I can’t afford that yet and I’m traveling a good amount for work and fun the rest of the year. It’s kind of cool actually, I have never been able to travel much but when Tin passed away I put faith in the Universe and the Law of Attraction. I started a dream board and almost everything on it has come to fruition including travel to some pretty amazing places. A year ago I couldn’t stomach the thought of taking down the photos Tin hung around our home and, very suddenly, I now feel a shift in energy and mindset. I don’t feel like I belong in the place I am in right now. There is a calling to move on to the next space in my journey. Like a gentle breeze it whispers in my ear. It’s not strong enough to cause a sudden change but a slow consistent push can cause a tree to grow in any direction…