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A Reset of the Mindset

Posted on: August 17, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

So the feelings are the same, just as intense but not as often and demanding. I miss Clayton every day but the immediate sting when the thoughts rush forward is milder with time. My eyes still water each day but there are more days of laughter than tears. The dust has settled and now I’m feeling unsettled. A year ago I feared I would have to move out of the apartment that Tin and I shared. People don’t realize that when you become a widow most often times your finances flip. Your household income drops but all the same responsibilities are there. We, the widowed, are billed for our loss. As if life isn’t taxing already.

In my state of self-preservation, I began a second job that has turned into a gift, a labor of love and a passion for helping others. My finances have stabilized and allowed me to find my footing in the shifting sands. There is no immediate threat to my daily survival. I have been able to take time to absorb my new normal and choose my new direction. I’m finding that my goals in life are beginning to change. The things that I held up in importance and as signs of a successful life are changing. I am growing.

 

So now I have caught myself looking at homes for sale online. I can’t afford that yet and I’m traveling a good amount for work and fun the rest of the year. It’s kind of cool actually, I have never been able to travel much but when Tin passed away I put faith in the Universe and the Law of Attraction. I started a dream board and almost everything on it has come to fruition including travel to some pretty amazing places. A year ago I couldn’t stomach the thought of taking down the photos Tin hung around our home and, very suddenly, I now feel a shift in energy and mindset. I don’t feel like I belong in the place I am in right now. There is a calling to move on to the next space in my journey. Like a gentle breeze it whispers in my ear. It’s not strong enough to cause a sudden change but a slow consistent push can cause a tree to grow in any direction…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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