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Castle Made of Sand

Posted on: July 20, 2019 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Monday mornings are typically tough getting back into the grind but when your person’s birthday consumes that first day of a new week’s energy you can barely make it through the day let alone the week. This is the second birthday without him. These milestones seem to be flying by faster and faster but the space Tin filled seems to be just as big as the day he passed. It sometimes feels like I am drowning in the waves of emptiness. There is no other way to describe it.

Once again the sweet sting of social media hits with Facebook reminding the world that Clayton’s birthday is July 15th. Everyone just saw my post to him on our 4th of July anniversary so when the “Send Clayton a Birthday Message” pops up 11 days later on everyone’s feed they feel a little more of what is my daily normal reminders. One after another after another I’m reminded every day.

There isn’t much time between the anniversary of Tin’s death, the anniversary of my father’s death, Tin and my anniversary marked yearly with a huge national reminder accompanied with fireworks and than his birthday. Forget a Monday being exhausting, when everyone is stretching and emerging for spring and the start of summer, I just want to hibernate. April through July is emotionally draining and just like that the summer is half gone and I have little time to build the walls up before the stormy waves of another my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas without him arrive unforgivingly.

I can see the tide rising already. Summer starts to peak and vacationers begin to complain about having to go back to their lives. Kids dread going back to school and parents start to long for more quiet at home. I know they don’t get it but all I have is quiet at home. I wish they wouldn’t wish for a temporary version of what I am permanently living. I guess that is the dark gift we have all been given – pure appreciation for each and every second. I feel like the universe threw his hourglass at me and I missed catching him. Now I’m left cut deep by glass shards and looking down at all our sandy spilled memories. So many people take for granted that they get another chance to flip their hourglass and watch the sand flow while I can only use those scattered grains to try and rebuild my castle made of sand.

 

 

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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