Since Tin’s passing, many have said he is with me, many have said he’s moving things in and out of my path to help make things easier and more successful for me. On many occasions, I have found pennies, dimes, seen cardinals, butterflies and got a call or text just at the moment I needed […]
Widowed
What I’ve Been~
In my life I’ve been quiet and loud Still and vibrant Strong and vulnerable Smiled and cried I’ve been a Highland dancer A belly dancer And a hoop dancer There was so much joy in me As I danced. Since your death I’ve pushed myself to do what I’d never considered doing… I’ve been […]
What I Wouldn’t Give
Today is one of those days where Julia’s death, the reality of it, gets through to me… just a little bit more. Despite it always being present, always heavy in my heart, wearisome in my lungs, ponderous on my shoulders, tense in my jaw, sick in my stomach, light, shaky and trembly in my hands […]
Four Years Without Him…
It has been hard, but I have accepted that there is no returning to who I was. In the fifth year of widowhood that is before me, I will try to focus on who I am becoming. I will continue recreating myself. And, I will work to become more comfortable with who I am. While I become this new woman, I recognize that both my potential and lost possibilities coexist inside me. This is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. Another dualism I acknowledge is that both grief and hope can coexist in the same heart.
Champagne Dreams and Lost Love Legacies
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I’m unbelievably grateful for the outpouring of celebration especially on social media where so many of us are finding community during a pandemic. I decided that the day should start with a toast to lost loves and no better way than a glass of Veuve Clicquot champagne – The Widow’s […]
Asking For Help
Why can’t we ask for help?
Why are we—the collective we, men and women, widowed and non-widowed—so reticent to ask for help when we need it? I mean truly ask. I’m not talking about simply asking directions, either.
As humans, we are truly capable of being and doing anything. Literally. With exception of flying (although I’ve seen videos of people jumping off mountains wearing those amazingly cool flight suits, so even that may be possible), we can pretty much do anything we set our minds to do. But we “can’t” ask for help.
My Veteran~
I was born into a military family. My dad was career Army, a West Point graduate. Two of my brothers served in the Navy and the Marines, respectively. A good part of my growing up years were spent on military bases, both in Germany and the States. My dream came true when I spotted Chuck […]
On Love and Risk
Main image from the LA Times, July 2020 Remember when, back in the 1980s, just as we were getting sexually active (if you’re my age), and AIDS hit….? There were all those adverts, in the UK at least, on billboards, in the press, perhaps even on TV – (no social media back then), of a […]
Fall
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike’s death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will break my fall using my own grit and grace. With time, I have come to value and appreciate the beauty in my own strength. Now, I believe in myself the same way Mike believed in me. This is big, big stuff. This is Mike continuing to love on me from across dimensions.
I have come to know my own capability. Finally, I see what he saw in me. It is ironic that it took Mike’s death for me to see myself in the light he saw me in. With this reflection, I now have the ability to fiercely love myself – the way he once did. What a way to honor the big love he had for me. In his absence, I can love myself wholly and madly for him and because of him. This is how Mike’s love lives on. And, this feels pretty wonderful.
It’s Ok to Not Be Ok
Honesty and authenticity is where my blog writing begins. There are moments in the journey that spark continuity in the conversation of my condition but there is so much else involved that I don’t know how to articulate yet. There is no manual on how to do this. The road is written as its traveled. […]
Two Questions
For many of us, the idea of moving forward—of creating a new life—seems somewhat alien, I know. I think most of us feel this life has been thrust upon us, and we have no choice but to carry on. But I disagree. I think it is a mistake to think this way. I know that after maybe three or four months into my widowhood, I wanted to completely change my life and how I had previously lived.
So now, I feel as though the sun has set on my old life; and I begin anew.
My Heart’s Music~
Do you think I’m going to let you just leave after telling me something like that? These were Chuck’s words as I headed to the door after confessing to him that I’d fallen in Love with him. I’d been attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics and counseling, where I practiced telling myself the truth […]