More and more we are seeing focus on self-growth, motivation, manifestation and talk of mindset. I get the premise and I try to practice the mentality. Yes it can change your day around if you focus on the positive but there are limits. I have to share this topic with you all so you understand […]
Widowed
Arguing with Myself~
Should I force myself to the gym again today? Yes, it’s good for releasing energy. Also, in theory, I’ll eventually get in shape. But then I think maybe I should keep this weight on in case our food supply chain is disrupted and food is harder to come by. On the other hand, with the […]
42 Moons
Main picture by Mark Tegethoff on Unsplash I have long had an uncanny ability to work out time zones (what time is it right now in Sydney where they are 8 hours ahead? Or in Minneapolis which is 7 hours behind? Or if I want a call with someone in New York and someone in […]
Where do I belong?
Life after the death of the person you love is weird. It is confusing. Mind numbing. Empty. Lacklustre. And, a bunch of other feelings and things. I’m sitting in my car typing this. I’m parked in the culdesac across from what used to be Mike’s house. Our house. The place where our little love story […]
Return To Me
Today, I find myself in Texas near Houston. A speaking engagement planned almost a year ago. It has been a long time since I have been able to travel, speak and feel the energy in a room of people. This new world we live in can be suffocating especially for a widowed man who sometimes […]
Too Much Chaos
Over the last two years, I have found that on numerous occasions, I have “bitten off a lot more than I can chew.” It has been extremely difficult to chew on some of the things I have chosen to do—mostly to distract myself from my grief—which makes it even harder to swallow. No more. Things are starting to give, and I have started to learn the power of saying “no” to things (especially those that are distracting me from my grief and my feelings)… Unfortunately, I’m still a novice.
Inadequate Words from my Uncertain Self~
I don’t know what to write this week. The world is too much, and has been for some time. I’m not one to hide from the truths of widowed life…the emotional/mental/physical aspects of it and how long it takes to just frickin’ stand up on a regular basis. I definitely don’t believe in the cult […]
I want MIKE!
I am just back from a brave week of open water swimming in the waters of the La Maddalena Archipelago, off the north-east coast of Sardinia. Brave because it’s the end of summer – indeed early autumn (we had three days of wind & rain, and four days of decent – albeit windy sunshine) Brave […]
Outlier
In about six weeks Mike will have been dead for four years. Wow. That seems like a fairly long time; and, at the same time, it feels like he was alive just moments ago. Death does strange things to time for those of us who are left behind. It is as though our clocks forever […]
The Double Life of a Widow~
I’m not qualifiably bipolar, but I swear I feel like I’m two people living distinctly different lives. If left on my own, supposing I had the money to do so, I’d park my rig, PinkMagic, on a beach somewhere, far away from everyone, and have as little interaction with the world as possible. I’d read […]
Long Live Live Music
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash One of the phrases that I hear, and that I use myself, in my still new, post-loss world, is “this life of after”. It’s a phrase that gets used a lot in the COVID context too. “After COVID…” or “When COVID is over…” And of course, some people are […]
Becoming…
There are qualities that I yearn to possess again. Things both tangible and otherwise. There are attributes both big and small that I miss about the woman I used to be. Namely, I miss her joy. I miss being joyful and joy filled. I miss being completely enamoured with my life. I miss being happy. I miss feeling content. I miss being at ease in my own life.
Mike brought to life all these things inside me; and, without him, I have not been able to successfully recreate any of this. After nearly four years, I have been unable to find my place in the world without him. I endlessly search for a sense of belonging. I work tirelessly to reestablish a feeling of contentment and I have been largely unsuccessful. All feelings of joy and peace that I have experienced since he died have been fleeting at best. *Sigh.
Yes, I miss him, but it is more than just missing Mike now. I miss what he brought to my life and who he brought out in me; and it bothers me that without him I seem unable to manufacture my own sense of happiness. I miss all that I was when I was his. I miss sharing my life with a man who utterly adored me. I miss being wildly and madly in love. I miss the all the richness Mike brought to my life. I miss the woman I was when he walked the Earth by my side. And, I hate that it is so ridiculously hard to live without some of the best things you ever had. But, I am doing it because I was not given a choice. We are all persisting and living forward because life demands that of us, but this sure is weighty stuff.