Widow's Voice

Arguing with Myself~

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Should I force myself to the gym again today?

Yes, it’s good for releasing energy.

Also, in theory, I’ll eventually get in shape.

But then I think maybe I should keep this weight on in case our food supply chain is disrupted and food is harder to come by.

On the other hand, with the way things are in our country, maybe I should get in shape so I can run faster.

On the other hand, sometimes, even from a non-Christian point of view, it feels like we’re drawing nearer and nearer to the end times.

Seriously. Every frickin’ day there’s something that’s worse than the day before. #unprecedentedtimes

AmIright?

How bad will I feel if the world ends tomorrow…not specifically the world but life as we know it…and I refused that cheesecake or chocolate bar?

On the other hand, life as I knew it ended 7 years ago when Chuck died, and it just feels now like the rest of the world is on board with me.

So maybe I should go to the gym, right? Burn off that energy.

Fortunately, I stopped planning on a future when Chuck died, so I don’t even need to go there when I think of the world in 2021. The future may or may not happen; I have no power over that, and I’m good with staying in the moment.

But I need to work on my various projects that will eventually and hopefully bring in more income when I finally return to the road.

Is it worth my time to work so hard on those projects though, when life feels so very precarious? Do I have the mental and emotional energy to put out there?

Should I just relax and netflix instead?

These thoughts run in circles in my mind daily. Sometimes minute by minute.

These times we’re living in feel suspiciously exactly the same as the time immediately following Chuck’s death. The emotions that scatter me are merely a pile on to the emotions that jumbled on after his death, and have never left.

Lordalmighty, it’s no wonder I’m done in.

I know I can’t possibly be alone on this hamster wheel.

Please tell me it isn’t just me.

Simmering and bubbling underneath all of this…all that the world is since that April night in 2013, since the pandemic started, since the civil unrest started, is the never ending longing…I just want to feel Chuck’s strong arms around me. My back to his chest, his strength securing me. The world could go to hell, collapsing and exploding around me, and I’d still feel safe. Know what I mean?

 

 

 

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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