I don’t know what to write this week. The world is too much, and has been for some time.
I’m not one to hide from the truths of widowed life…the emotional/mental/physical aspects of it and how long it takes to just frickin’ stand up on a regular basis.
I definitely don’t believe in the cult of positivity our culture seems to love.
Nor do I want to discourage newly widowed people by baldly stating how frickin’ impossible life is, even now.
The word healing is meaningless to me.
I shy away from the word hope.
I do believe in grit and grace and determination and the power of Love.
I don’t believe in Love because I think it makes everything ok or alright.
The Love that I talk about, the Love that I believe in since Chuck’s death 7 years ago, is a Love that I fucking must believe in. Or lose what’s left of my mind.
Chuck’s left behind Love in no way replaces the Love that was alive and active and filled with energy when he was with me.
It isn’t enough.
It’s just that it has to be enough.
I’ve done, and will continue doing, all that I can to keep myself busy. Create a life for myself.
It’s lovely and beautiful and colorful and dynamic.
My pink car…my pink trailer…my Odyssey of Love…is as real as the the impossibly painful life I live without him.
With the daily upheaval and uncertainty that is ongoing in our country, my anxiety levels have skyrocketed, reminding me of the early years following Chuck’s death, and I desperately wish him back with me. He was retired military and had an understanding of events that I don’t have. His presence was reassuring, in good times and bad and everything in between. Any sense of safety and security that I’ve fought to regain since his death is gone, gone, gone. Mostly I feel fatalistic.
I miss him. Is there a mountain high enough that I can stand on so that I can scream this to the world?
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I need you. I need you. I need you.
Where are you, my beloved? Where the fuck are you and why aren’t you here with me?
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
God, I fucking miss you~