“I’m only hanging on by a thread.” Such a common phrase we use to express that we are in a place which scares us regardless of the reason for our grief grip. I’ve said that phrase many times in life. I’ve said it when I was sick of being bullied in school. I said it […]
Widowed Milestones
Self Love (take2)
Learning to fiercely love ourselves might be the greatest and most important love affair of our lives.
(Go on, read that again. Take a moment. Let it sink in.)
Yep. As widowed people, it is up to us to master love in a new way. We have lost the physical touch, and the voice of our beloved; but we still have the blueprints of their love imprinted on our skin and in our Souls. We know how to give and receive love because of them. So, now we must craft a way to love on ourselves when our lovers are no longer here to do this for themselves.
The Grief Dating Game
Well I guess we should just talk about it. Having to even think about dating again after Clayton passed away completely sucks. Dating is hard enough as it is but adding on being widowed, gay and living in the south is a hot mess. There are like 3 gay guys here. Two of them are […]
The weight of time.
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving treatment and after his death. Though the loss of her close friend at 18 years old was […]
Makeshift plan addendum
The blog below was written on September 24, 2018. I sure have come a long way since I wrote this blog three years ago. So much life has happened for me since this time. And, I am so very, very grateful for this. I didn’t give up. I believe life could be good again, and […]
The Normally Normals
It’s been a grief goal for me to return back to “normal”. I have put into place fail-safes to reestablish pattern, predictability and self-protection. That’s normal self-preservation. Now I am starting to feel more comfortable in my day-to-day. I have realized my new “normal” has also kept me from enjoying aspects of a “normal” life. […]
Fly the Coop
There remains a lot going on in my life as I transition from my house of fourteen years to my new home. I have been between homes since the end of April; and though I am unsettled, I feel fairly calm. My new life is starting to take shape and this is exciting. It has been 4.7 years since I have really felt any type of warm anticipation about anything substantial. The feeling of hopeful anticipation about my future has been foreign to me in grief. Hope feels like the feels from another life I used to live. But, recently, hope reigns supreme for me. I guess this is what thawing from grief feels like. Slowly, I have worked to come back to life and I am more than ready to reap the benefits of my hard work.
Levels in Life
Clayton, I gave the bike away. The one you gave me for Christmas. I was going to ride it to work but life. Right? You got sick. I needed to have my car so I could get back to you as fast as possible each of every “our last days” and then you died – […]
The Care Griever
Summer has hit on the beautiful stretch of Florida beach I call home. The area is buzzing with tourists and that means I’m hanging close to home for the busy season at work. My career is animal care. This week I had friends staying just a bit to the east of me about an hour […]
My Road to Return
I have been having a near death experience. You know, where your life flashes in front of you, all the memories, sights, sounds and smells. That rewind reminder, which puts your whole past into a present perspective. No, there wasn’t an accident or anything sudden, my near death experience has been almost undetectable. How so? […]
See You Down the Road~
To all of you, My community here… To Michele Neff Hernandez, for responding to the email I sent her after reading a Widows Voice blog in my newsfeed and deciding that I wanted to be one of the weekly writers. She called me to get acquainted, and then offered me Wednesday’s space to voice my […]
Finding Change
I’ve written about finding coins before and there was a long time I didn’t find any. This week it seemed everywhere I turned there was a penny. I think I found 8 total and 3 in just one day. They go in my pocket, I forget until later and it’s like I’ve found them all […]