Widow's Voice

Widowed Milestones

Strongish (again)

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As the days rolled into weeks, and then became months,  strong continued to mean different things.  Things that I never previously associated with being strong.  

I learned that strong means laying on the cold, hard kitchen floor crying for three months straight. 

I discovered that strong means sobbing silently while I cook my sons dinner every night for a year.

 

Strong is a lot of things.

Strong is learning to hide my tears behind sunglasses at the grocery store.

Strong is getting up everyday to repeat a life that is nothing like the one I imagined.

Strong is making homespun, amateur attempts at creating a new life, when all I want is my old life back.

 

Toxic Perception

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Bryan, what does growing through grief look like for you? I appreciate this question because it gives me an opportunity to share that my life looks very different each day. Overtime, my weeks and months have expanded in many directions. I posted on social media earlier this week holding a flower and sharing that I […]

Betwixt

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With the approach of summer and a substantial number of folks now being fully vaccinated, my sense is that at long last life might be “normalizing,” even if the continued use of masks in some quarters serves as a stark reminder that normal life tomorrow could look different. Imagine awakening one fine Spring morning to […]

Marry Me (2021 edition)

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On May 25, 2016,  he asked me to marry him. Then, he died before our wedding day. In 2018 when I originally wrote this, I sat re-reading those two sentences again and again and again.  I just couldn’t seem to process the words the letters were forming.  Now, nearly five years from the date, my […]

The Widowed Willow

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When I was younger, I used to think that hardship and emotion showed a sign of weakness. That smaller, shorter, thinner-skinned Bryan was just always going to always be “Crying Bryan”. It stung to get bullied and it was tough to see others feel hurt. What I realize now is that those difficulties were toughening […]

Homeless

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I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don’t feel much different than usual.  I guess over the last 4.5 years I have become used to living in a constant state of restlessness and uncertainty.  Moving usually causes people to feel stressed; but, for me, the opposite has occurred.  I feel calmer since I left my house.  This whole process has really been a lot less anxiety provoking and emotional than I anticipated it would be.

Heartbreak Hangover

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Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts to subside, I can physically feel the effects – Tired from lack of sleep, disturbed by nightmares, sore […]

The Grief Tour

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This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been 1,098 days since I could actually touch you, hear you and see you in person. […]

My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed

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I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium just one last time. I didn’t know it was the list of lasts. I didn’t know […]

My Why, Why, Why~

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Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]