I have been homeless since April 27th when I moved from my house. I should feel out of sorts and unsettled; but, really, I don’t feel much different than usual. I guess over the last 4.5 years I have become used to living in a constant state of restlessness and uncertainty. Moving usually causes people to feel stressed; but, for me, the opposite has occurred. I feel calmer since I left my house. This whole process has really been a lot less anxiety provoking and emotional than I anticipated it would be.
Widowed Milestones
Heartbreak Hangover
Last week took me on an exhausting emotional tour. The week before being widowed hits me harder than any single memory or special day. The emotional stress is heightened to such a level that when it starts to subside, I can physically feel the effects – Tired from lack of sleep, disturbed by nightmares, sore […]
The Grief Tour
This week, my week before widowed, I took a trip off the main path of my journey and doubled back to the places I saw you last. My head said “yes” but my heart said “no don’t go”. It’s been 1,098 days since I could actually touch you, hear you and see you in person. […]
My Recipe. I Don’t Have One~
As I approach the 8 year mark, That will always be 7 years for me, Because how can I bear to count further the years you are missing from me? I have no secret recipe, no sweet story of how I got from there… April 21, 2013 to here… April 21, 2021. If someone were […]
My Grief Ghost Visits the Week Before Widowed
I knew he was fading away faster and faster. I knew that Tin’s last day was soon but you don’t know until you know. We fit in frozen yogurt, going out to dinner, the beach and visiting the aquarium just one last time. I didn’t know it was the list of lasts. I didn’t know […]
My Why, Why, Why~
Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]
Hollow (third edition)
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside, the condition of my life looks good. Aside from Mike’s death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear. Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking. Inside of me, the landscape of my Soul is barren – or at least it was for many years. For a long time after he died I was hollow inside like the foil bunnies. On the inside of me there was ‘nothing’. Where there used to be unbridled joy there was emptiness.
Three Years.
April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months, the loss consumed every part of me. I still think about him every single […]
The Miles Under Me~
I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings. I gently placed the urn carrying your cremains in the passenger seat. It felt warm to the touch. […]
Uncharted Territory
Photos my own Yesterday I had my 54th birthday. An age Mike never made. He made 53 and 8 ½ months-ish. I was aware, to the date, 8th December 2020, when I became the age, to the actual day, that he died. Every day since then has felt even more like a gift. I noticed […]
Less is More
My worldly possessions feel heavy. They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in. I don’t give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from me. It is all meaningless to me. What can it do for me? What does it do for anyone really?
Moving forward, I do not want things. What matters to me is the feel of things, not the actual things. I want to live a full and joy filled life that draws inspiration from experiences – not stuff. And, sure, it is true, I do like nice things; but material things do not fill my heart with happiness. In fact, my worldly possessions feel weighty to me. They feel like a burden to me. In the near future, I hope to travel and I do not want to have to worry about storing my things while I am gone. To me, more is less.
The Grief Keeper
For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming back and it was time to focus less on losing him and more on keeping […]