I think it’s time for us to talk a bit about the fears found since Clayton passed. These thoughts and widowed worries have actually compounded and worsened seasons of our grief. They have been cyclical and fed into one another. Try as I might to break these cycles sooner, I couldn’t and I’m sorry. I added to our pain but the worries were overwhelming. I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to heighten our heartache. I try not to let them consume us but there are days that I can’t shake the fears and I see it in our eyes, I see it in our stance, I hear it in our voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see us but we are little blurry.
Honestly, one of the greatest fears we’ve hidden for as long as I can remember is being alone and forgotten about. This fear has had us hold on to people we should of let go and also push people away that we should have kept close but the fears of losing them overrode the right thing to do.
Bryan, I know it’s difficult to manage but you can’t worry that everyone will go away. We can’t keep worrying that we will wake up each morning and learn we’ve lost someone else. We’ve survived so many difficulties and I’m so proud of us for the strength and perseverance we dug so deep to find in order to keep moving forward.
I honor our concerns and I give our grief grace but it’s time we release the fears and set our selves free to walk through life without these tethering terrors. What if we don’t find someone to grow old with? What if we live longer then all of our loved ones? What if we need help and care in our old age and there isn’t anyone around? The widowed “what-ifs” will always whisper but we can’t let them consume us.
Bryan, I don’t have the answers for what the Universe has planned. All I know is we will show up with the strength and courage we need to overcome these obstacles. We will keep growing through this grief and moving forward. Fact is that there will undoubtedly be tough days ahead but why stress about what we don’t know? It’s time we stop pouring energy into our worries. I’m here for us so take my hand and together let’s stop fearing the future…
All My Love,
From Me to Me