Widow's Voice

Facing Future Fears: An Open Letter to Myself

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Dear Bryan,

I think it’s time for us to talk a bit about the fears found since Clayton passed. These thoughts and widowed worries have actually compounded and worsened seasons of our grief. They have been cyclical and fed into one another. Try as I might to break these cycles sooner, I couldn’t and I’m sorry. I added to our pain but the worries were overwhelming. I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to heighten our heartache. I try not to let them consume us but there are days that I can’t shake the fears and I see it in our eyes, I see it in our stance, I hear it in our voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see us but we are little blurry.

Honestly, one of the greatest fears we’ve hidden for as long as I can remember is being alone and forgotten about. This fear has had us hold on to people we should of let go and also push people away that we should have kept close but the fears of losing them overrode the right thing to do.

Bryan, I know it’s difficult to manage but you can’t worry that everyone will go away. We can’t keep worrying that we will wake up each morning and learn we’ve lost someone else. We’ve survived so many difficulties and I’m so proud of us for the strength and perseverance we dug so deep to find in order to keep moving forward.

I honor our concerns and I give our grief grace but it’s time we release the fears and set our selves free to walk through life without these tethering terrors. What if we don’t find someone to grow old with? What if we live longer then all of our loved ones? What if we need help and care in our old age and there isn’t anyone around? The widowed “what-ifs” will always whisper but we can’t let them consume us.

Bryan, I don’t have the answers for what the Universe has planned. All I know is we will show up with the strength and courage we need to overcome these obstacles. We will keep growing through this grief and moving forward. Fact is that there will undoubtedly be tough days ahead but why stress about what we don’t know? It’s time we stop pouring energy into our worries. I’m here for us so take my hand and together let’s stop fearing the future…

All My Love,

From Me to Me

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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