70. 20. 10. 65. 85. 60. 1. East to west to north to south and back again. The Oregon coast. The road to the Keys. New England. The Southwest. Deep South. Roads and directions and places and, most of all…memories.We…you and I…were everywhere together. I travel to as many places, the same roads as we did. I don’t go to places though. I don’t go…
Widowed Memories
Your Touch
Dear Mike, I miss your touch desperately. When you were alive my skin knew your touch by heart. I knew how you felt. I knew that the stubble on your cheeks wasn’t that rough; Your shoulders were wide and your chest was solid. Your hands were thick and strong. I remember that your nails were always kept cut short because you thought it…
Evanescence
Dear Mike, It has been over 2.9 years since you died. Since you died, I have diligently and carefully worked to keep you alive in my mind. I have replayed our conversations thousands and thousands of times. And, I have memorized our words by heart. In my mind, I still talk to you every single day. I know exactly what you’d say in our…
Sandcastles of Safety
My whole life, I’ve played it safe and small because I grew up within a family that taught me to be practical and frugal and not take risks. I’m sure a lot of us grew up in that kind of family. They did their best, but the illusion of safety and security was always a pretty big focus. Even after my mom died and it became apparent that safety…
The Sacred Now~
I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him. I hoped that we’d have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn’t have much longer on this earth. Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I’m in those last days again. Fucking cancer.What I knew was that I needed to say my…
Nightmares Now and Then
I’ve had some really weird and disturbing dreams the past week. The sort of dreams that don’t really relate to anything in my actual life but have lots of very stressful or strange things going on in them. In these dreams, nothing appears to relate to my actual life in any particular way. Nothing symbolic even seems to be obviously about my…
A Reset of the Mindset
So the feelings are the same, just as intense but not as often and demanding. I miss Clayton every day but the immediate sting when the thoughts rush forward is milder with time. My eyes still water each day but there are more days of laughter than tears. The dust has settled and now I’m feeling unsettled. A year ago I feared I would have to move…
Whispers~
Whispers of you echo through my years. Echoes now, even more than memories. The passing of Time has dulled the pain, But it has also sullied my memory.There are times that I wonder… Did you exist? Did you wrap your arms around me? Did I lay my head on your chest? Did our life exist? God, I don’t know sometimes, And that causes almost a panic in…
Beautiful Hard
Mike and I are both widowed. Which means that there are two days every year that are very specific to our relationship. Two days every year that most couples don’t have, nor have they probably ever considered. These two days are extremely special, but hard. And each year as they approach, in June and in August, we’re not exactly sure what to do…
Some Thing Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and I’m Blue
Last weekend I was at a close friends wedding. I loved the people, the venue and the time away from my regular hectic schedule. On a beautiful hill at a colonial inn in rural New Hampshire, we all gathered under three towering maple trees to watch two friends join together. I was in the wedding party. We had rehearsed the walk through the…
Semiversary
I wish I could have sat down to write this morning and repeated my often-stated sentiment that I don’t have anything to write about…and that’s OK. I had hoped that today, of all days, is something that doesn’t affect me as much any more, because “time” and all. Even if I thought about Megan more today, it wouldn’t throw my day off…
Broken Dreams
I don’t often dream. Not the metaphorical “dream” or anything like that, just regular old dreams when I’m sleeping. They just don’t happen. Even when they do, they seemingly are just five seconds of me sitting in my living room or something. There isn’t anything crazy happening or odd traits like being able to fly. It’s plainly…