Widow's Voice

The Sacred Now~

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I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him.

I hoped that we’d have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn’t have much longer on this earth.

Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I’m in those last days again.

Fucking cancer.

What I knew was that I needed to say my last words to him.

So I stood at the end of his bed and gently placed my hand on his foot.

I don’t know why I didn’t sit right next to him. 

Maybe I thought I needed this small bit of distance between us?

I don’t know.

He was conscious, and alert enough, in spite of the medications.

And he looked right at me, as I looked right at him.

I know you have to go. But before you go, I want to thank you for showing me a lifetime of Love. And teaching me how to love. Allowing me to love you. But I know you have to go and I want you to know that I’ll be okay somehow. And I know that I need to go and do what it is that I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life.

What I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life has been happening since the night of April 21 when Chuck inhaled his last breath. It’s occurred as bits and pieces of a puzzle that I’ve painstakingly put together. I don’t know what the final picture will look like, and I honestly don’t think about it. It’s not up to me, really.

All I’ve ever needed to do is what Chuck always said to do…

Suit up and show up.

Well, I’ve done that, in as much pink as possible. I’ve done it with a shattered heart, with determination, with grit and resolution.

I’ve refused to be silent about what my widowhood looks like. I’ve refused to hide. I’ve been honest and vulnerable about my grief, about the struggles and about the passion my heart still holds for him…and always will.

It has brought me to this place, now. 

In the fall I’ll return to AZ to begin filming a documentary about my Odyssey of Love.

A real documentary, created by people who know what they’re doing technically. 

THIS is what my heart knew I needed to do, that April night.

I miss Chuck. I adore Chuck still. More so, if possible. He is my every heartbeat. He is, still, my north and my south, my east and my west.

This Odyssey of Love has always been a sacred mission to me.

More so now.

My tiny rig carries his name, and the names of so many loved ones from around the country, around the world.

Undertaking the creation of this documentary is a spiritual experience in so many ways.

And I know it will be for all of you, when you see it.

It’s for you, and it’s for my beloved husband, Chuck. 

Always~

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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