You are so far away now. 6 years away. A lifetime away. A moment away. But a moment that is memory rather than feeling. Remembrance.I stare at your picture, At pictures of you and I together, And I look at all the pictures of the years since you left, I almost wonder… Which ones are real? You and I, passionate together, Or me, alone, passionate…
Widowed Memories
It’s a Day
Another year, another birthday. Megan would be 38 tomorrow. Each time July 24 rolls around, it’s a slightly different experience for me. Sometimes, the build-up to that day is the difficult part. Other times, it has been acknowledged as “it is what it is” and the day passes without much fanfare. This year, it’s a mixture of both. While…
Castle Made of Sand
Monday mornings are typically tough getting back into the grind but when your person’s birthday consumes that first day of a new week’s energy you can barely make it through the day let alone the week. This is the second birthday without him. These milestones seem to be flying by faster and faster but the space Tin filled seems to be just as…
Another Sunday
It’s Sunday again. Right about now, I should hear you happily humming as you walk down the stairs to start the coffee. As I lay in our bed, I should notice the familiar sound of the beans grinding. Soon, the smell of coffee should be thick in the air. There should be music playing in the kitchen. And, any moment now, my phone should ding and…
The Fear of Taking New Risks
This past week, Mike wrote about how we are continuing a dream he and his late-wife Megan shared as we are looking into getting a camper next year. There were a lot of dreams I had with Drew that never came true too. Even just planning a wedding and spending time on every little detail was something I never got to do with him. Much less a wedding…
Understanding “Freedom”
The Fourth of July – All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By definition, freedom means you are not enslaved or forced to act or be a certain way. You are not trapped. Of course, for the USA freedom means all of…
A Widow, A Mother, and A Wedding Dress
I’ve been in Texas on vacation for a few weeks, hence my absence here. I have however been waiting to share something very special that happened while we were down there. If you’re new here, I lost my fiance Drew 7 years ago in a crash. I am now engaged to a widower, Mike, and we have this new little blended family together with his daughter…
Hola Amigo
Hey man, Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m here in Texas, with Sarah and Shelby, to celebrate you. This is what, year…five for me? That seems crazy. We went to your grave today, and it’s I guess looking good as ever. The little heart shaped rocks, the trinkets…the helicopters; they’re all still there. Your mom had some…
Bedsheets, Duct Tape and Hockey Sticks
I’m sitting in Mike’s spot at the kitchen table. Wondering how to put my love for this man into words. As I’m sitting here, I can’t help but notice that he’s everywhere in this house. Once upon a time, he sat in this same chair I’m sitting on now. I notice that my elbow is on the table and I am cupping my cheek in my hand -exactly…
Pieces of Me
Right at this very moment, my new fiance Mike and daughter Shelby are visiting my late-fiance’s family in Texas. We have been here before. We spent Christmas with them in fact this past year. It still is so strange and surreal and beautiful to me how this all works. Mike and I stay in Drew’s old bedroom. Shelby sleeps in his sister’s old room.
This Uncertain Terrain~
This landscape of widowhood. Of grief. The Alaskan tundra. The Sahara Desert. The Austrailian Outback. Every side road in between cities and towns. This parched landscape of devastation. This existence of one where there was once two. I picture nothingness in the midst of these tundras and deserts. Nothingness under bright blue skies and a sun so…
The Imperfect Widow
The past month or two has been tough. This time of year usually is. It’s the time of year that led up to when Drew died. These months were some of the happiest in our relationship. He had just gotten his first job as a pilot and was finally living his dreams. We were beginning to look towards our future together, towards a wedding and a new…