I don’t often dream.  Not the metaphorical “dream” or anything like that, just regular old dreams when I’m sleeping.  They just don’t happen. Even when they do, they seemingly are just five seconds of me sitting in my living room or something.  There isn’t anything crazy happening or odd traits like being able to fly. It’s plainly boring.

However, I did have a longer dream last night…the first in months that lasted more than a minute.  Again, still nothing interesting. I was driving somewhere. That was it. Regardless, it got me thinking.

I used to have vivid dreams.  I could wake up and describe them.  Remember them. Recall every detail of any random dream, and they would last for what felt like hours, with all sorts of odd events happening.  They were reliably consistent, and even when they would be disturbing or “bad” dreams, at least I could recall them.

Now though, and ever since Megan died, it seems that well has dried up.  I can recall one just after she died, where she was present, and since then, five years later, I can count them on as many fingers.

Actually HAVING a dream is enough to prompt me to think about why.  I don’t care if it was some crazy thing, or if Megan was present, saying something to me, or even if it was a nightmare…why don’t I dream at night anymore?

Is something broken?  Is there some supernatural force guiding this, and since Megan doesn’t really have anything to say, there’s no need to show up right now?   I mean, Sarah is usually present (she was sitting in the passenger seat last night), but even then, it’s quiet. I thought I was supposed to have all of these dreams where Megan was present after death, guiding me abstractly and saying she was proud of me or something.

It’s not that I NEED this.  It doesn’t even bother me that I don’t really dream.  It’s just…weird, I guess. Especially since they used to be so common.  They were like TV to me. Entertainment, but in general, meaningless, and I could do without it.  

If my TV suddenly disappeared with no explaination though, I would obviously wonder what happened.  I would investigate what else was missing, and try to pinpoint a root cause for its disappearance. Especially if it randomly showed back up in my living room once a year, only displaying a ten-second show about a guy who just stands there, before vanishing again.

Sarah dreams all the time.  She’s constantly describing and remembering them, so I don’t believe there’s any environmental factor contributing to this lack.  I haven’t changed much in the way of habits, diet, routine, or sleep schedule since Megan’s death. I’m in the same job, in the same house, in the same bedroom.  The major shift has been that Megan isn’t around anymore, either physically, or in dreams.

Something’s just “off”, and has been for the past five years or so.  I’m simply curious as to what is causing it, now that I think about it.  There’s no screaming for relief from dark nights. There isn’t any waking up, disappointed that nothing happened in my subconscious.  I’m not seeking answers from Megan, or the ability to fly, or to see a vampire fighting bigfoot while riding a unicycle.

I just want to know why my dreams are broken.